GET GONE
The Beginning of an End to a Beginning
by Eduardo

  Wed 18th April

  Talk about dreams becoming reality. This morning I awoke to the alarm at eight thirty, which I promptly turned off and drifted back to sleep for a while longer. The reason I set the alarm was due to this latest fad of E's arriving this morning by parcel post, her shining new laptop. At eight thirty though, I figured that I've done my part so why should I be the one getting up to receive it. E was up and Liam was indoors, so what the hell, go back to the peaceful sleep of a provider. Then at around ten am I awoke with this burning thought that almost became a nightmare. In my waking dreams, the parcel arrived, the delivery man rang the bell which did not work and knocked hard on a front door that nobody had bothered to unlock and then tried the back gate, which likewise was still firmly locked. I lay there for a moment reflecting on how things normally worked that way. I would provide to the best of my ability and E would just sit back and complain if everything was not to her satisfaction or not served on a platter. Don't expect her to do anything towards it, after all its her 'karma' to not only receive but have it provided waiter service to her exact liking.

  So I got up and dismissed my dream and feelings of resentment to the past events. Went downstairs and as normal, the first thing was to check the front porch for mail and front drive for milk. The milk was still there, two white bottles glistening in the hot sun, mail on the floor and the porch door firmly locked. I went into the kitchen and really felt somewhat upset that E had not even bothered to unlock for the delivery and told her so. Then I checked the other part of my dream, no the door bell was not working, flat batteries. I think I really started raising the voice at this stupid situation. This expensive present meant so much to her that she couldn't even be bothered to unlock the door. Then I look through the mail and there it is, the little white 'sorry we missed you' card from Parcel Force. I slammed the card on the kitchen table and said "So that's how much you are bothered. You couldn't even check the door." I think I then rattled on about how she was like this with everything. "But I was praying and I didn't know the bell was not working." she defended. "Well." I replied. "If I am expecting something important and big being delivered , especially an expensive present, I would show a little more interest. Like unlock the front door and slightly open the top window in the prayer room so I could hear any deliveries pulling up outside our drive."
We both know that bell batteries sometimes expire, especially a wireless one throughout the house like ours.
   That's the way its always been, she makes demands that cannot be challenged, I provide the material answer and she either treats it with the importance of a cup of coffee, or dismisses it within a short time as just another fad. Anything she does keep an interest in, is then constantly degraded into worthlessness or unsuitability. How the hell can you be a provider to someone like that? What satisfaction is there for the giver?
Not a bad start to the day, eh? I need a second coffee. Ah, that's better.

  Eliza has gone off to the new computer literacy refresher course a bought for her yesterday at Richmond College. Guess at least she will be out most days now with her busy new schedule. Up to the city for luncheons or to sit in the park and continue writing her second book on the laptop. Looking for jobs and meeting people. So things should quiet down here somewhat for a few weeks. The new financial arrangement is concerning though. She wants 200 a week spending money to go out and I pay all the home bills.

  That all came to a sudden head when I put my foot down yesterday evening about the new male cleaner she is getting. I told her that while I don't mind paying while I am here, when I go so doe's paying for the cleaner! She eventually understood when I explained that if she really thought I would carry on paying a cleaner to clean a house that was not dirty because she was out every day enjoying life to the fullest on my money and only sleeping here (maybe), she must be joking!
"When you get a job" I continued, "Then if you need someone to tidy up on a Monday and do a little ironing, then that will be your expense, not mine."
So now I am back to working this new set of finances with two households to fully support for heavens knows how long. The job? In reality, that is not going to be easy for her. First, it has to be the right job and while I know that a few years ago there was this one in a million vacancy, the odds of another one coming her way tomorrow is very slim on law of averages.
Though, like I say "If anyone can, Eliza can." And this I have always told her. Even if the job does mystically materialise as she expects, I explained to her yesterday of her imminent future. How for about three months she would be so involved and excited by the new surroundings and challenges she would forget the wealth karma and all that has happened. Until, that is, that she tired of the monotony and time responsibilities imposed by the job. Then the karma will start thirsting again for satisfaction and lots of wealth will be needed.
"Is your job going to provide for that" I enquired. "Your next trip to Japan will cost at least ten grand first class. Is your salary going to pay for that?"
"Where will all the money come from?" I insisted.
I suggested that if she was to be prepared for the inevitable in about three months, she had better realise it WILL happen and plan for it now. Otherwise there would be another great big pile of you know what created in the sudden trauma of her immediate demands for karma gratification.

  Then of course, there is the other matter. With this heightened sex drive of every day and more, how the hell is she going to satisfy that? I wont be here. Self satisfaction is a definite no no. As are one night stands in her mind. So I suggested she had better face reality and start thinking about Mr Rich Dick the minute I am gone, especially his last name part. Otherwise she is going to be a very frustrated cat climbing all the walls!
I summed it all up for her over this very relaxed and sometimes humorous long chat.
"If your inherent desires are stronger than even our togetherness, they will not be subdued for long. Neither will your new desperation of long sexual activities daily be subdued. So you must face the reality of an answer. Now, not when its too late."
How much of it sank in and penetrated the flights of fantasy, I do not know. I even tempted to enter the no go area of "What if?" and I asked her.
"What if the book and film do not materialise? Or the right job cannot be found? Or there is no Mr Rich or Dick?"
Then I looked at her and said with all heartfelt earnestly.
"What really concerns me, who is going to pick you up if you fall. I wont be here and powerless to be any comfort."
Of course the reply was to be expected that the Buddha would protect and provide as he has always done in the past.
I gave up around about then and decided a shower and bed was in order. There was after all a desperado to satisfy and the male ego could feed a little, as my hot blood rarely lets me down.
Afterwards I lay in thought of money and how I could provide enough of it to manage all this, yet still be able to enjoy.

  So just how long I am going to be expected to support her new life I don't know.
I have just given her a cheque for fifty so she can go and open a building society account and get her own 'hole in the wall' card. Lets hope she can manage that on her own. She just came back from the college. early as had forgotten to take her reading glasses so couldn't see a thing on the screen. So she's going tomorrow. Makes me think again on how is she going to cope with it all. For years I have had little option but to do most things for her, either because of a predicament that needed resolving or when she was ill and the mind was in permanent fog. Now, even though health has returned, the mind seems often elsewhere.

  Liam and I have decided that tomorrow we go off early to look around the north Kent coastal towns at estate agents, have some lunch then down to Larkfield Leisure Centre for around three thirty when the water entertainment starts. Then Friday, go down to the south coast and do the same all day. Obviously in this new open environment, E was included in the discussion as to what was happening. She keeps saying "Don't worry, you will find something that's right for you. I chant every day for it."
Here we are, just about to separate and I am being encouraged with finding the new home and new life. Certainly a stark contrast to the norm.
Must do the finances tonight and that I already know will be dispiriting. But the time has come to start making concrete and stable goals and that requires knowing to the penny what it will cost.

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