GET GONE
The Beginning of an End to a Beginning
by Eduardo

Friday the 13th  16:18

  Is it unlucky? Well its been an okay day so far, nice sunshine and calm chats about our new respective futures. Gosh, I guess her heart is sad, I know mine is and even the watering eyes as I write.  No matter had we talked for another sixteen years, her karma would not change so what must be is just that.  Separate paths yet unified, for now at least, in continued respect and friendship.  I hope that can be maintained without friction.  Eliza now understands why I would never stop over for the night.  If I had another partner how could I?  It certainly would not be fair on her or to be expected or tolerated in any relationship. I know she was hoping to keep maybe a slight string of the physical contact between us, but at least reality is prevailing even though I know it finalised a lot of her thoughts and saddened her further. 

  At least our timing is conducive.  With the different things she must attend to and the preparations I must now undertake to start over again, we both agreed that around July would be a good time for the move. I really don't know what she is going to do here in this big house all alone, even with a job and the basic bills paid.  Where is the income to pay for even a slice of that 'karma' which ripped us apart?  A 70k a year job without the qualifications?  And even then, it would only just equal what she has right now.  So that is not going to be enough.  Now a few naught's on the end would be fine and will take the manuscript becoming a film, or a Mr Rich.   My obvious concern is where will she go if the top job, the film or Mr Rich fails to materialise.  Will reality suddenly descend like a ton of bricks and crush her?  Or will she find another substitute for what she really wants.  Neither will make her happy but I hope for her it is the later one.   All I can tell you is that in my life, going back is never an option.  I spend considerable time viewing all possible options unpleasant or otherwise and when the action is finally taken, the bridge is dismantled not in anguish but in necessity to move on.  So no matter what I may feel for Eliza I can never come back to rescue her from whatever.  The break will be final and permanent as it should be if lives are to continue in happiness.  We may still discuss over luncheons or at the beach family gatherings I enjoyed so much with the Grand children.  But taking any actions in her life will be off limits as to do so could spell even greater upsets, involving by then, other partners.

  At least Angela is not too far away for a little support if necessary, though she has her own large family to contend with.  Who knows maybe some of her previously considered enemies may become friends.  The manuscript could become a broadway hit. Mr Rich Dick could materialise. Or at the least, someone who can offer some consolation and encouragement to go do it all again when she falls down.  Someone with enough money to at least make some of her dreams come true. Someone who hopefully will give her the respect and love she needs, in sickness and in health. But, she has had all that and much much more, yet it was still not enough. Oh how much I hope at least one of her dreams comes true for both our peace of minds.

  Saturday 12:17
  Another lovely day of strong hazy sunshine but today did not start a good one.  I awoke feeling very depleted by it all and close to tears, the thoughts of not seeing all these familiar things around me anymore soon and a new life from start.  We spent a couple of hours chatting last night after coming back from visiting Angela's family.  It was nice to see the kids again. More reality was faced and things that I should take with me, how we would keep the computer set up in Liam's room as this would give him reason to come some weekends to stay with her.  Oh course we both know that come the summer, the beach and those bikini girls in Kent will be a stronger pull and she will possibly see him less and less.  Considering the journey Eliza is on, that may not be a bad thing actually.  Just imagine if things do not materialise as desired in her life and he see's his Mum more and more dispirited by the reality of the situation created. We touched one or two sore points and both realised the foolishness of doing so.

  At least one of the dreams has been fully crossed off the wish list and will raise it's head anymore.  The letter from The House of Common's arrived this morning.  It was naturally enough, the usual "thank you and keep supporting us" from the mail centre. I tried to help with the downward dash and maybe, but from it all I at least helped her find a more realistic alternative I believe.  She wants daily challenges, meet lots of switched on rich guys and make some decent cash?  Be a saleswoman.  The industry is perfect for her and I should know, I was a top guru in it for a while in the past.    Strangely enough, the perfect job for her did actually present itself many years ago when we first returned to UK. It was an International electronics distributor that needed a UK based sales lady fluent in Portuguese to expand operations in Mozambique.  Talk about right up her street! Five years with me involved in the intricate and highly technical world of science and electronics, she learnt the industry and all the technical terms inside out.  Dual nationality and educated in both, Eliza was a natural candidate and, I doubt considering the technical requirements, there would have been many other applicants, if any.  But her seven year illness was approaching and that fortunately or unfortunately, was that.

  So who knows, a similar opening may be out there somewhere and Eliza will encounter it. It is certainly more achievable than the working in politics dream. She will possibly meet the rich Muslim who wishes another wife, as is her desire it appears.  Because then, that would not be "committing a sin by living off someone" she say's.  Guess I can understand her philosophy in that. Hope she finds him.  I am a little more interested in me right now. Eliza is a little happier as new trousers have just been provided for, another 90 from somewhere and only from M&S of course. Not the fashion shop style or prices of course, but she seems happy with them at the moment.   Anyway, I have stated that's the last money, its dry.  Apart from the laptop which will be duly ordered tonight on-line.  I am off tomorrow up north and will spend time in reflection and further plans.  It is time to start locating my new home and the requirements are high.  Large with an annexed one bed apartment and sufficient space or suitable building for the new office and, near enough to the school and beach.  Then, top priority my new partner, someone who will walk in my shadow some instead of I always in hers.  Someone who will be delighted with a superb vacation and treat it as a lifetime memory of satisfaction.  Not constantly make it obvious for years that it was not the 'ten star' she would have liked. Someone who would be grateful for small easily achievable things. And in my very large world, those things though easy to me, are more than most men can provide for their partner. Someone young and of a more virgin mind devoid of twisted illusions, who would enjoy the simple and honest satisfaction, love and security this older man can offer. 

  I need to feel a whole man again and quickly for my reserves are depleted.  I was born a true male provider.  In all my relationships, this I took this as a serious obligation and derived my pleasure and input of satisfaction from the pleasure from others at my achievements for them. Its the way I have always been, a giver. Now though it is time to do for me.  So my partner can easily please me with her sincere gratitude for things that I easily provide, with neither partner thirsting for new pastures and truly contented with that which each other provides.  Liam mentioned again today about bringing Evelyn back as he had noticed how everyone except mum was so at ease around her. I have to admit he is correct, though I did question him on whether a twenty four year old lady would want a fifty seven year old partner, you know, that way.  His reply was stark. "Ask her"   If she felt happy with such a relationship, why not? She could only say no.  Then it would be move on to someone I don't know at all and that has dangers at this moment in time and I know it. So maybe this solution should at least be tried first as I would feel easier with it and I know Liam would.  And, him I must think of.

  E would go ballistic that's for sure.  She has already warned me about associating with any 'black' women or allowing them into my environment.  Something to do with one of her previous lifetimes when she was an African rancher.  Told me about how bad these people are and full of Ju Ju and how she did not want Liam thinking it was okay to have a black girlfriend in the future.  I think I said that her political calling should be the National Front party, though she insists she is not raciest.  What would you call it, I don't know?  Everything is different, contra logic or just plain illusion in her views. Anyway, Liam will eventually choose when his time comes and I will not mind which religion or colour she is.  My only concern will be to look deep into her eyes and see if she will make him happy.  As he matures he has already demonstrated the high standards of at least required looks in a girl and most are either slim black or black / latino. Yeah, his dad too.  So that's it and another strange turn of events, the Ju Ju maid and her devils who supposedly wanted it all,  gets it all with her sugar daddy.  Another creation of her karma calling and dictated yet again by not my choice, but logical solution to the present necessities I am forced into needing by this incessant karma trip.

  Whether it will happen?  Well you will have to keep reading.  Lets say if it did, then that would be utopia for just about any man, would you not agree?  The perfect companion.  No nagging about dreams that have not materialised as all her desires will be achievable. Literally shower your mind and body with gratitude for the little things. And keep your castle in glorious shine and splendour. Now that is a companion one could even fall in love with eventually.

18:44

  Oh dear, oh dear.  Here we go again, the treading on thin ice.  The one thing that I have always been able to satisfy is her sexual dreams and some. Since Japan, cat on hot bricks is an understatement.  Every day and more and its been great.  But over the past few days I have sensed more and more of this becoming another demand, rather than anything else.  Not just an ordinary demand but a frantic necessity that must be filled now, right this minute type of thing.  You know, out of the normal and unrestrained extremity?  Should I even suggest "not now", or even show inclination for not wanting, the war clouds immediately gather and darken.  I have just asked her not to apply the same fantasy levels that have destroyed everything else, to this part of our relationship.  She is very scathing back saying with that pointed finger wagging as usual at me "live today and enjoy the moment.  Never mind the future or the past! I tell you!" And all that is because she is horny and wants the freedom to satisfy it now and of course, the fact that she now feels denied, makes her angry and so on.  So looks like the only real part of us left is just about to take a nose dive.  I cannot as a man yield to extreme demands of satisfaction any time that suits her and be scorned and rejected at the slightest hesitance.  No, as usual and like everything else, it has to be zero tolerance extremity, verging into fantasy.  Apart from which and although the past is the past, how about the years of once in a blue moon I endured and the hundreds if not thousand rebukes of any amorous approach under the covers, or anywhere else for that matter.  Okay, she was not well and I excused.  But she never has been that way inclined anyway, just a lot less for those five years.  So obviously I am going to feel the injustice when a simple no in the face of enormity of her sudden transformation would start a war with her! Either way, if she starts this 'karma' trip with the sex side, it will disappear very pronto and that will definitely be that.  If I stop giving and in her present very uncontrolled drive, she will be off to do as that friend of hers did during her craving periods. So you can understand the concept of walking on rice paper and the consequence of getting it wrong.  If I said no to her tonight for whatever reason other than a heart attack, she would be off within days, looking to get humped and feel totally justified in for-filling her karmic needs. Now maintaining a balance in such a situation is not easy, but there have been years of gained experience in the art.

  So that is really the sum of this gloriously warm day and who knows what tomorrow may bring.  Not as planed the journey north though.  That must be later in the week for I still do not feel the energy to undertake it yet.  So instead, I will start looking through the property listings near the sea in Kent and find a suitable one.  As there could be a shortening of the time scale if I fail to keep the balance here and I may need to take action quickly.

Don't forget to choose and ad you like and click it.  It costs you nothing but helps towards my financial independence.