GET GONE
The Beginning of an End to a Beginning
by Eduardo

 Day Four.
11:49
   I slept downstairs in the chair instead of the garden flat. We spent the morning calmly, for a change, talking and made love in the afternoon. I think Eliza understands, but I have thought that before and been wrong. If the past stays buried along with all the ghosts and not regurgitated every time someone upsets her, which is never difficult to do. Then maybe I can rebuild my empty self. Regain some pride and enthusiasm about the future. Its hard to do when you feel so inherently worthless.
Maybe I need to go out somewhere and seek food from others. I need energy, tons of it and I am unable to draw that energy from my present environment where nothing yet appears of worth. I have only one goal at the moment. To increase income to a level of independence from others and beyond. But without my usual undaunted enthusiasm, I don't know how to generate the interest or energy I don't have. Kind of Catch 22.
I try thinking back to times of real content when responsibilities were low and the sun was high to draw energy. But that just creates a yearning to be there again. I suppose that's natural when one is so low.
I am just taking each day at a time and slowly recover from what is like a major illness. I only ever felt this weak when I came out of hospital once after a life or death illness. I cannot believe that I have allowed myself to become so exhausted and depleted of will. Love can be very blinding.

13:04
   Trying to be positive, though the swarms of emptiness or worth and being still sweep over.
I must get my head on to money. Financial independence, why am I prating around on £50k a year? With my brain and sense of achievement it should £250k and the rest!
Its just very hard to achieve for some reason and I know it shouldn't be. It seems that once I used to create the right time and place for success. Now I have to wait for it to arise and it has not yet arisen.

  It is time for change. I can no longer feed upon the past, for everything done is tainted with dissatisfaction.
Money, we all understand. And it speaks a strong language to Eliza. Even she would not discredit my abilities if oodles of cash was around. Well, until her dreams became bigger I suppose.

  Anyway, that's it. I start over. Examine the present money machine and at least quadruple it.
Then she will have nothing to criticise in me or others. She will be too lost in her world of joy.
   You see when most of us really want something, we first put it into categories of importance and reality of achievement.
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