GET GONE
The Beginning of an End to a Beginning
by Eduardo

   Friday 10th
   What a night. Played around twice and slept in between. Woke up early, played around again and went back to sleep afterwards. Finally dragged our bodies out of bed at eight, as she's at work for nine down the road.
   Nice shower and coffee woke me up. Said cheerio to Maria and thought for a while of going back to bed.  But too much to do, so had another coffee to fully wake up from the passion of the night.
   Boy, was she hungry.  She orgasms three times before I even came and then, she came herself again in screams of ecstasy.  And that was just the warming up session!  She sure knows how to arch the body in some very enticing ways. Yes, the future looks bright, the future is orange.

  First job today is off to Curry's.  Remember that stereo I bought from the market chap?  Well, the cd has already packed up.  Eliza phoned me to say the drawer just keeps going in and out and wont play the cd's.  Bet she would like something else going in and out though.  So I will buy a new one that hopefully works and drop it round there later today.  Maybe take her something to eat for lunch as I doubt she will bother otherwise.

  Been thinking about my life and what I want from it and there is a dilemma. What I want and what I need are two different things.  On the one hand, part of me wants to return to the more serious life long relationship, while the other is crying out to explore and enjoy.
The young lady from Uganda is very tempting as I know there is a mountain of love and gratitude waiting for the right man there.  And I do believe I could be considered that right man.  But I just feel very wary of getting involved too deeply right now.  And that relationship could get really deep, like for keeps deep.
I think it may be the wrong time for us right now and I could never allow her or myself to get involved in uncertainty.  But I must admit I do like her and know we could make each other very happy.  That may be something I have always looked for, but right now I need something else. I need something more casual and without strings attached or bonds forming.
In fact at this moment in time, I don't know if I am capable of forming those same bonds ever again.  If I do, they will never be as strong as before, as now permanently weakened by doubt.  Living the soul mate illusion for a huge chunk of my life, makes me dubious of any words of love from anyone.

  No, unfortunately I shall have to let this lady pass my path without interjection.  Hopefully our paths will keep crossing and maybe if the time is ever right, I will regain the ability to be the loyal man such a lady would deserve and demand.  I cannot promise anyone that commitment for a while yet and I don't think she would accept me any other way.  I shall stay a very close friend though, with the odd social meal together and always be there if she needs someone.

  Still no news from Malindi yet, so hope the maid got the email. I will give it until next week and maybe phone if no reply. I am so looking forwards to Liam coming home later and getting out somewhere with him.

  Eliza just phoned to see if I was coming round as promised.  Told her in about an hour after I've been shopping.
Drove up to Sainsbury's and bought some food for the weekend and some coffee, milk and ready cooked chicken for Eliza.  Then it was Curry's for a working but cheap stereo.  Found a nice one that will do Eliza so bought it and drove to her flat.
She looked okay, somewhat tired and exhausted by all the moving.  I could feel that she is having some regrets and she commented something about the mess she had put herself in.
I just reminded her that she was the one who chose this, no-one else.   She dumped the present for a future without tangibility, now she must suffer the consequential cause and effects in the present reality.

  I felt uncomfortable and had no wish to revert down the same old path with her, so explained there was much to do and I must go.  No kisses on entry or departure, I did not offer or wish to receive.  As I drove off, the realisation came that I had no emotions about the visit.   I looked at her without feeling anything, she was just another person who I did not particularly like much at this moment in time.  So looks like my steel shuttered heart is at last protected from her.  There will be brief times that the grief and emptiness she caused within will well up again, but there emergence will diminish as new loves are found.
And that is exactly what I need to do, start falling in love again.  Not for life or any rubbish soul mate trip, but just for a few hours or days.   There are so many young women out there begging for just a little of the love I have to give.  Just a fraction of the faithful love a gave without limit to Eliza, will buy me the planet with someone else!

  As I see it. There is only stupidity in chasing some fantasy across the abnormal bounds of the universe and passing blindly by endless planets full of pleasure. That's the journey of Eliza, eyes fixed on some illusionary future that cannot even be seen and total ignorance of what she is passing by.  I can tell you its a thankless and very lonely journey.  Full of suffering induced by going without those simple things in life that are ignored, followed by the deep depression of not finding the illusion.  Full of blame upon others for failing to produce the miracles.  Full of empty loneliness brought on by disconnection from reality and lack of any pleasurable interaction from the passing planets.
Maybe, one day she will wake up to the enormity of what she has done and wish to have all those things she once so despised.  But it will be too late, what she knew will not exist any more, life's train moves on and waits for no-one.  I warned her so many times that fantasy's will always destroy what is, if they are forced into materialization.
   So no more illusionary fantastic journeys for me, no more previous and future lives.  I am going to live this one and enjoy it, after being in the dessert for so long.  Eliza?  I shall take Liam there tomorrow after our haircut as I promised.  After that I have no real wish to visit her again.  Her path is a millions miles away from mine or normality, it always has been, so what is there to gain but more regrets?
She knew well the consequences and cannot lay blame on anyone or other thing for that, even her new Autism claims do not give excuse there. She was no longer my responsibility the day she left us and will never be my responsibility again.  That privilege is now reserved for someone who really cares and not ashamed to show it. Someone who wants to be closely embraced by mortal mans simple love and tenderness and give back what a mortal man needs without demand or question.  Someone who believes in today, tomorrow and reality. Someone on a physical path, devoid of destructive illusions, spirits and devils.  That's where my life's at right now and for the foreseeable future.

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