GET GONE
The Beginning of an End to a Beginning
by Eduardo

  Thursday 12th 21:54

  No trip north due to last minute changes and our grandson who was coming to sleep over could not make it so we ourselves, Eliza and Liam, piled into the chevy and vacated to the nearest beach about sixty miles away at Worthing.  It was a quite drive with discussion continuing as Liam napped, between Eliza and myself about our relationship and the impossibility of sustaining it, while still retaining friendship. It seems the hard facts are at last becoming apparent along with a sad reluctance to accept what must be if her karma is to continue and dreams materialised.

  We talked about when she found a job and how we would split up the bills and put the house and utilities in her name and how much things like community charges and tv licence costs and how she must make a list of all the overheads that would arise from living independently.  I know how it saddened her, it saddened me to see something that could have been, consumed by such a zero tolerance desire of materialism. Not just a desire that you or I would have and then face reality of achievement, but one that demands satisfaction at all costs irrespective of real attainability and based upon illusion.  She discretely cried as we sat on the beach and I talked with Liam.  Maybe she thought it was hidden but I felt her sorrow, I have already had those tears of accepting reality and know the emptiness it leaves. 

  The conversation continued at home while Liam was upstairs, she cried a little when saying "I don't want you to go".  Though we both knew that I could not play a part in this new determination that had to be urgently accomplished.  We looked at the alternatives of separation and clearly saw the impossibility of it all.  Eliza could in no way lessen her desires anymore than I could continue as a second rate provider. We have both spoken of such many times over the past days and I had always hoped that maybe by a chance in a billion, Eliza would lower her material expectations faced with the option of our separation.  But we both realise they are stronger than any love, even that of bonded by soul mates.  So acceptance is mandatory with such stark reality.

  My usefulness on this part of her path is over and so it must be over permanently for my own preservation.  I feel a desperation feed upon whole gratitude and a longing to feel an important provider to someone and be their 'whole' man. I have not truly felt such for so many years and it depleted me to the stage of near destruction.   I never truly realised the importance to the male species of this input, having always being a fountain of energy and self achievement.  Possibly one of the most important elements to the male's inner strength is measured by his ability to provide for his woman. If his woman is reasonably satisfied more than the opposite, he feels pride and warm feelings flow through his veins as his male ego feeds upon this vital food from his mate. The greater her satisfaction with his ability to provide, the greater the man.  I have said several times to Eliza over the past days how these parts of me have been exhausted and how I must seek this elsewhere. They could never be anymore forthcoming in the future than they have in the past unless of course, I win the lottery tomorrow.  You gotta play it to win it first. 

  The mostly gentle chat wandered over several subjects of how we would keep in contact and meet up some times for lunch, though I did emphasise how night stop over's would not happen.  When our relationship under one roof ceases, so does the physical side of that relationship.  That is set in unbreakable stone in my mind.  Apart from which another relationship will have started with another lady and I could not out of respect. We have spoken of how I would need this input and I think at last Eliza has realised that while they may be beneath her standards, there are many, many women out there with lesser desires, who would be completely grateful with a fraction of what is presently desired of me.   Well, standards are one thing, necessity is another.  So what if my new mate does not have my education. Or does not come from the upper classes?  The most important thing to me will be 'What are her fantasy's and dreams'? and 'Can I make them come true'?  After the past years of being in the fantasy to reality conversion trip for Eliza, I am sure their are many dreams I can make come true or fantasy's turned into reality for many young ladies out there.   And all with much less effort in and a greater feeling of accomplishment out.  I have openly talked with Eliza of these things and how they are important to me.

So we both now fully understand and accept that short of the lottery, my future must be elsewhere and Eliza must chase her karma

  Remember George who brought back that absolutely gorgeously petite girl back from some far off village?  Well, twenty years on, she is still eternally grateful to him for making her wildest dreams, illusions and fantasy's come true. You see, her desires though impossible illusions to her, were in fact easy to turn into reality by someone from a different place and time. That's what I need and I am starting to think Liam is right.  When the new place is sorted, get someone like Evelyn in and maybe I can offer her more than a job in return for that some of that same eternal daily gratitude.  It seems an extremely uncomplicated, easy and a very practical solution.  Apart from which, I have no desire for some wealthy woman to shower me with presents or give me a lifestyle to which I would like to become accustomed. It is not a conceited statement to say that this option would be much easier for me to achieve than finding the right young lady from more humble beginnings.   For some reason, where ever I have traveled around the globe, there has always been plenty of very rich women who have made more than casual remarks of possible relationships.   I remember one in particular while on a family holiday in some far off resort.  She was a German lady in her late forties.  Very large and extremely solid but with such a gentle face and personality that you could get lost in.  She was a lady indeed, widowed from her Industrialist husband with various lands and estates here and there around the Black Forest. I used to watch in amazement as every morning before breakfast she would walk past smiling at me sat at the coffee bar and continue down the beach, lunging her large firm body into the gentle sea and swimming until she became a distant dot on the horizon and disappear from view. Twenty minutes later, the waiters and I are all waiting for her usual reappearance with arm over arm in undaunted powerful strokes.

  She would duly arrive and soaking wet, sit on whichever stool was nearest to me and drink her first morning coffee.  She would towel herself and shake her close cut hair towards me, kind of playing to splash water at me.  She was very youthful in her nature and very nice actually.  It soon became clear in open conversation that her desire was to find an educated and forwards thinking gentleman, whom she could shower with undying love, passion and gifts.  Providing, and firmly reiterated, providing he would be faithful to her and at least show some love in return.  Hearing her describe the ideal man and how he would be with her on all the events and occasions necessary to attend and all the big family gatherings that apparently happened monthly for some reason or another.  I tuned into her direction of thought and realised she was depicting myself as this ideal man. It was tempting I can tell you, all that wealth and love, all I had to provide in return was something I always naturally do.  There was a price though and I saw the ugly underbelly.  Yes I could have this fine lifestyle but controlled by this very powerful woman who wanted nothing more than to 'show off' her man to all and sundry.  That's not such a secure relationship and one that could go pear shaped for a multitude of reasons.  So I politely left it all at that and introduced my family to her, which I thought had made the point.  She still came for that final coffee with bags all packed on her departure morning and asked me again.

  There have been others but the same applied, they wanted to either own me like some prized catch or thoroughly convert me into something I have no wish to become. The Spanish hotelier who spoke no English yet started learning so she could greet me when she was on reception in her elegant five star resort which was one of many.  I think there was a Mr Spanish somewhere in her life though never saw him.  She was so impressed when I started learning a few words of Spanish in reply.  It seemed that she liked to impress me at every opportunity and within a week we were having very broken but mainly understandable short conversations in Spanish.  I can tell you one thing about that woman, she sure knew how to build up a man with words and attitude.  To her I was Mr Fix it.  I could fix her every night and help her fix all the hotels by the day. Nice, but again seen as her prize catch and would I ever have been anything than a glorified handy man driving a Porsche?   I seem to remember she got quite heavy into her illusion for a few days and some tears the day I checked out.

  Or the young lady in Seville who needed a scientific man with all the real life qualities that scientist's do not normally have. Perfect for her image and an answer to all the families present and future technical difficulties. I even remember her Dad saying in Spanish to her one day in the kitchen on "what a catch I was" and seeing her Mum or Gran, cant remember which, giving her a proud knowing nod of approval and grin. I enjoyed the invite to lunch and found the family wonderful.  As for Maria?  She was young, good looking and very enticingly full of sensuality. Very tempting, especially when I looked around the entrapments of wealth that abounded throughout their massive villas and lifestyle. But again, I was the prize catch! I'm not a bloody fish!  I refuse to be a fish, sure I can swim if necessary, but for most of the time I like the individuality of two legs.

    Virtually everywhere I have traveled and stayed throughout this world which is many, I have received the respect of men for my abilities and the admiration of women for my qualities. Unfortunately these qualities that I am apparently endowed with have also attracted there fair share of less desirable women upon their insistence.  I did fall by the way side a couple of times with them, but I'm human and make mistakes and only my pride was hurt in the encounters. They enjoyed every minute of me and know to this day they will remember fondly of our time together.  I could have been a perfect Cassonnova or even re-written the book.  I don't feel particularly proud or displeased about that and sometimes uncomfortable with the undesired attention, no matter how enticing. One thing for sure though, finding another partner will not be difficult and finding one to fill my present and foreseeable simple needs will be even easier. No more reaching for distant stars or climbing huge mountains.  No more impassable seas or flights of fantasy.

  Back to the reality of now.  Oh course, Eliza would go absolutely ballistic with her dislike of blacks and christians, let alone a black christian who of course is going to be into black magic. In fact she has even warned me that for my own sake do not have a black woman in my life and, how it would encourage Liam towards a black woman in his life.   Well I have news.  I may have only ever been in the shadow of Eliza's demands and statements while we were together in a relationship.  But where or with whom I make a new life and relationship is not up for being ordered by anyone except myself. 

  Once again I think how ironic this could all turn out to be.  One of the major influencing factors in our relationship has been that from start to finish most of it has been on Eliza's path, even before we returned to her calling in Richmond. 
  She has always liked Kent, making many excursions there in the chevy, often sleeping the night and even our son going to private boarding school in Kent. Eliza even talked seriously about buying a small apartment near Dover so we could pop over to France more often for the fashions and fine foods   Yet I out of necessity not desire, will be living there and possibly doing that sometimes.
  She has always been drawn between the love of the cities offerings and the tranquil environment of the countryside's copses and woods, or the gulls on the incoming tide and it is I who will live her dream.
   With the desperation to increase my financial income to pay for the forthcoming expense of re-location and setting up home again from scratch and, pay the ongoing increased monthly costs that this will entail.  It may well be that something will get kick started and the flood gates of all the research and work put in, will open and drench me in a treasure tower of financial benefits. It is more than possible in fact.  So from the desperation of a situation created by Eliza, I could achieve her dreams of my financial wealth, though by then with another whose expectations are less and feeds my simple driving force to make it happen. One can achieve so much if one is not consumed by achieving the impossible and arguing about its delayed appearance all the time.
   Then there is the travel to far off sun drenched places and the possibility of living at least partially in one of them.  This until relatively recently, so that's around fifteen years,  was the one huge driving desire in Eliza's wealth karma.  Many times in no uncertain terms I was told this is eventually what must be provided. Even warned a couple of times over the years that if I didn't she would find someone that would. Therefore this entire business plan was carefully engineered to provide for this eventuality of being administered from anywhere in the world with an Internet connection.  That part of her dream I concurred with as I can think of nothing better than sitting under the shading palms (without coconuts that could fall), sipping a cool drink while setting up a remote server or site somewhere in the world on my wireless notebook. If things went well,  I could be living that dream though again, sadly without her.

  I could possibly do all this solely and directly as a result of Eliza's all consuming karma that tore up the possibilities in the first place. I could be living the life she so desired but with someone else.  And, what if even more ironically that someone else is the sum of Eliza's greatest dislikes. I bear no ill feelings towards Eliza, as I have said before, this was always a possibility while her path continued this direction.  But talk about karmic revenge.  Wow, now that would be heavy!  Please hear me, it is not my desire it is just a possible fact of life.

  So after all this time of being on Eliza's trip for sixteen years, a journey that has permanently separated our paths into individually noncompliant ones, still my path continues to be manifestations of those same driving forces, even in total separation. Not from my choice but by necessity born from her initial driving force. The same force that separated us.

  There is still need to travel north, maybe at the weekend.  There is still much to settle here.  Eliza's desire for Mr Rich Dick has diminished greatly, now feeling that living off someone is a sin. She still feels her book will be a big hit film in America and become a great book by this chap she met in Japan who is connected somehow to the industry in USA. So at the moment, her more realistic dreams for the short haul is to finish the part time Psychology course at the local college next month and hopefully get an exam pass. If no reply from the job she wanted, then another job at 40k or more to pay the bills and wait to hear about the film. Take the ten hour computer literacy course I booked originally for Evelyn and spend time in the park writing the second book on the new laptop which I have agreed to buy her before I leave. Which is well before as it appears the urgency means this week would be appreciated. Do you know? I even explained to her this morning how I felt about this laptop and why.  Even going into how my pockets could not really stretch to one I knew she would really desire and how I knew that she would find the one bought her just a little heavier than expected.  Or it only gives four hours on the battery and not the ten she expected or was not stylish enough.  How once more I gave the maximum possible within prevailing circumstances and it would never be equal to that which she desired from a Mr Really Rich who showed how much he cared for her by buying the only thing fitting her.  The Best!

  Even mentioned how I need a new laptop as well.  The end resolution was that an early birthday present is in order, irrespective of whether its a sub standard cheaper model.  There I must finish for today as its now, oh gosh, four in the morning!  

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