GET GONE
The Beginning of an End to a Beginning
by Eduardo

 16th April  17:14

  Yet more sunshine but only on the outside.  Had a long chat on phone with Angela and we talked about many things including how in Islam, to be a giver is to earn immense gratitude.  As I've said before, I am proud to have been born a giver and teacher. E went to London this morning for some soap and cakes.  She came back with the cakes but forgot what she really went for, the soap.  Anyway its a good excuse to pop up there again.  Went out just now to stock up on the aquarium food, which is difficult to find and rather expensive. Then the strangest thing.  There we are standing in the queue and she turns to me a says.  "When you sell the Rover and Chevy, you should give me half you know.  Its only fair."  Well of course I felt like screaming out."What the hell!!  I walk away with just my clothes and, still carry on some of the house costs and, still buy you laptops and other things I cannot really afford right now."  On top of all that, I am standing in a queue to pay for something for her future not mine! Well, Mr Rich Dick will have to buy the next lot as I will be long gone.  Despite what I felt like saying, my reply was quite and factual.  "Well I was hoping that selling them both would give me enough money to buy a decent replacement."   I know full well, that reply did not go down very well in her books and no doubt it will raise its head again nearer the time of departure.

  Its heavy around here at the moment, no matter how loud she puts the music and dances away, a sad day is fast approaching.  Maybe I am the only one now fully convicted to this new path, but there again, I am the only one with feet on terra firma and mind set in reality. I am sure E believes that on the day it wont be allowed to happen by some mystic occurrence.  The reality is that I have started viewing property and putting documentation in order and the sooner I can leave this palace of fantasy the better for my own emotional survival. If I had the money, it would be this week, not in two unbearable months. This situation is not only completely non-rewarding, by fact of its termination by both of us, it has no future.  So one constantly has the feeling of 'why am I still here?'   The answer comes when I look around me and see all the books, office furniture and computer networks and servers that will all have to be carefully dismantled, packed and transported with the same the other end.  That will take preparation, time and money. As will many other things that must be attended to to make this happen without leaving me in total destitution.  This is a calculated risk, if the marketing can produce the result on time then all will be well.  If not, the result I dare to contemplate.

  So, be positive my friends, for that is where I am going. Great news anyway, seems there at least two properties smack on the coast that look ideal and just about affordable.  A new four bedroom architect built detached chalet with extra office room and gardens almost as good as here. But the view from its balconied hill vantage spot is breathtaking. I could be very happy living and working there  Ironically enough its the one main location in Kent that Eliza really liked and often she would mention how nice it would be to live here, in virtually the same location of the house I am very interested in.   How ironic eh?  I will be living here without her and with another companion.  Each day seems to become more ironic with turns of events in smaller ways, maybe a hidden type of poetic justice is ruling.  Who knows except its so unusual and it appears, that for a change I am the one who will benefit.  Not because I am searching but because the direction events created by another are pushing me, whether I want to go or not.  I have search through thousands of properties on-line in just two days and scoured the entirety of Kent and found very little.  Then this nice lady agent emails me this afternoon about this new offering overlooking the bay near Whistable. Just one look at the attached photos sold me though, still not certain if the office will be okay until viewed.  The other house is also a four bed set in grounds with a purpose built separate office. Not so close to the sea, though in the same general area and seems good for the purpose.  There is even this remote five bed farm house with some outbuildings and office, the field goes straight down to a mile long deserted beach.  Talk about getting away from it all, though I doubt there will be high speed cable close by.   The same goes for the five bed detached bungalow sitting in an acre with option of another nine acres of paddock land and buildings.  I like gardens but that lot would take some serious mowing!

  So things are moving and looking better for me.  Unfortunately, Eliza's direction seems to have spiraled downwards today.  She has really looked tired, haggard and physically drained today after her trip to London this morning. By dinner time she was very weak and shivering slightly.  I think most was due to lack of food all day, though all this has drained both of us.  While it was Eliza with all the energy and actions a few weeks ago and I the depleted one, I think maybe today hers dipped beneath mine.  Today I thought of how I would deal with the possibility of her sudden renouncement of this karma journey and the fantasies.  I started to actually picture the scene where she would say "Darling, my love for you is stronger than all these other desires and I wish to live now with only you my husband, my perfect man till death do us part."  And so on with "I no longer have that karma, its buried.  I will accept the limitations of reality and appreciated everything that is offered from now on."  Etc, etc  Well, for a start, E has never accepted limitations and as for giving up her karma wealth trip?  If sixteen years of talking or fighting about it has not even chipped it and the reality of separation has not even dented it, any sudden repentance will be merely an automatic reaction and have no possible sustainability.  Sure, I could go indoors right now and sweet talk, splash a little cash around on a day out, buy some flowers, nice candle dinner, show enthusiasm for some new fantasies that will then come bursting fourth, make love and wake up to a nice separation free day tomorrow.   Been there and done that many times.  It will last until the wealth karma demands satisfaction yet again and from experience, I would say this time maybe a few months only and then its right back here again. She will probably want to go to Japan again only as already warned, first class all the way from now on and nine grand please.   No way Jose, that can be her Mr Rich Dick's job shortly, as I don't think her new job will pay for it and this gravy train will be gone.

  Maybe she will just become more resolute and say "Go then. You will be the loser."

  20:30
  Well that's sorted then. This is how its going to go according to Eliza. I shall continue to support her, the house and all the bills as now, until she gets the job she wants.  Basically no change from now except I will have two homes and two women to keep.   If you ask me this separation is fast becoming warped into some kind of 'how I would like it' fantasy.  A kind of extended relationship.  Yesterday I agreed that my new companion would have to accept the times when family get together's and odd luncheons were necessary.  Today though we go further into E phoning me for advice or just to chat and hear my voice.  I explained that I doubt whoever I am with will be very happy with that happening all the time.  I don't really know who she is going to turn to for all those little simple things I did daily for her as a matter of course.  But I cannot have calls every time the remote doesn't work or how to plug something, let alone for other advice or to hear my voice. After explaining it better to use text first instead of invading privacy with calls and not to expect immediate replies from me, it was settled with her.  She has mentioned before about getting a property within easy reach of a train station for when she comes up to meet for something or other. Like I say if I do not keep things in order this will become one big mess for me and I will start to wish doing what originally thought necessary, put a huge distance between us. If not for the devastation for Liam I would.  So I am trapped into seeing this through for a couple of years at least and then we will see.  Meanwhile I keep searching on the net into the wee hours for a suitable new home which has yet to materialise.  Either too expensive or not enough space for an office which must have its own entry and toilet.  Tons of really beautiful places with outlooks over bays or fabulous gardens that I could feel really comfortable in and, all within the affordable bracket.  But, sadly no separate space for reasonable sized office.  Looks like instead of the luxurious surroundings its going to be some huge four level seaside house down a promenade side street.  With a basement for the office and a nearby flat for my webmaster.  Or, failing that its the vacant shop with living above.  Not exactly the type of place that appeases me coming from the paradise I have created here for this woman.

   No matter what E may decide or not, my decisions are made, the point of no return is past and actions are underway.  This liner is getting ready to be underway to another place and time.  A place where its passengers will be grateful ones and shine its dulled and tarnished fitments back to their gleaming golden glory. As she so aptly phrased it "There's nothing for nobody here any more."  And there has not been for a long time. If only I had awoken to that reality before. Before I met her, I figured I had seen and experienced most things from most people around the globe. I was already labeled as someone who had led ten lives in one.  Since then though, I've been on some journeys with her that would blow an ordinary persons mind.  Been through experiences beyond even my wild imagination.  The whole sixteen years contains a multitude of scenes that most would consider fiction or plain fairy tales. That I have managed to accommodate, but the wealth karma trip on top is just too much.

 Today we have sorted out some of the personal documents and stuff and going through photos and splitting them up between us.  The actions have started and now its just finding the right place.

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