GET GONE
The Beginning of an End to a Beginning
by Eduardo

 Monday 2nd April.
17:49
   After a quite day and buried in work in the garden office. I thought Eliza may have cooled down from her perpetual anger state. Unfortunately, we revisited where its unsafe to go. She came down and asked why I was angry at her. I assured her that just the opposite, I had felt surprisingly calmly emerged all day long. So then she revisited the ju-ju in the past in Portugal and that 'woman' and an acquaintance who rang up today and wants to do something very bad to her. Surprised this morning, when we had a meeting Liam's special needs therapist and her manager. Eliza announced in quite certainty she was getting a job in politics as Mr Cameron's adviser and that her book was going to be turned into a film in the states. You can imagine the jubilation of the two people at her apparent accomplishment. I keep quite and just focused on 'if anyone can do it, Eliza can'.

  I am very concerned that Eliza's anger state is still rampant and merely subdued from the recent traumatic days. If so, I cannot be sure of my strength to take the brunt of living in an environment where only bad is thought or said about others. Its too depressing.

  I'm going in now, we shall see how the evening develops as I go back to treading on rice paper.

  Tues 3rd. 19:00
   Went out with Eliza today. Found this great Chinese buffet place. Best food yet. Eliza was enjoying, but I saw the shadow coming. She started talking about the low class of people in Hounslow and showing a sudden dislike for the place. By the time we had reached home after buying a printer to replace the one which had expired, it was out and out dislike for the place. "I will never go there again!!" she repeated many times. Then of course the expected came along with this sudden change in likes. The next hours were occupied with the usual. How nobody is ever going to do this or that to her again. How she has always taken all the crap and "well no more!!" She always given but now there's nothing for anybody, no sympathy, zero plus tolerance. And the anger, aggression, vengeance or whatever it is that has been driving Eliza for years is now uncomfortably strong and most times unbearable. Oh dear. How long can I take this negative crap towards everybody.
   I told her today again that outside of this house there is nothing or nobody that troubles me. There is no one seeking to harm me or I them. Any indifference's I had in the past have been sorted and laid to rest. Not dragged up at any opportunity.
Its true, the only person that troubles me and always has done to a lesser extent, is Eliza. She is starting a new path without plan or forethought and developing it day by day. What is unstable about that is that this new direction is driven with some extremely deep negative emotion and I fear there will be even greater illusions and disillusionment.

  I guess a positive thing is she only criticised me two or three times today. Which is encouraging considering her high constant war like state of alert towards everyone else.
I must go in now, or there will be deep shit. Just hope the conversation changes from war to peace, though I doubt that very much.

Weds 4th. 15:00
   Eliza's new thing seems to be sex, period or no period. That in itself is a massive change. Even more change is the way she now wants, suddenly lots of deep and long French kissing which before was not welcomed to much.
Me on top! Wow.
   I feel its a 'this will help hold us together thing'. Which I agree, is necessary. But like everything else, its over the top a little. Say tomorrow, I just don't feel like it, which can happen? Especially with all this off-putting stuff going on at the moment. Refusing for whatever reason at the moment, is not an option unless you want to see the dark side very quickly and set the whole thing off again. Now that's tense!
Its like everything is in a state of vital urgency in her life at the moment. Like Hounslow yesterday. Like her sex drive and most things talked about.
I thought great change was supposed to enhance ones life and the environment, not be destructive. But hen again, Eliza has not changed. She is on exactly the same path as the past two years, but driven by a negative force that's a hundred times more powerful and expedient. To the extent, where I have seen that illusion actually starts materialising.

  I cancelled my plans to travel north today, I have not regained sufficient energy to make such a drive yet. Maybe next week.
One of the things Eliza came back from Japan with. That I should visit my Mothers grave and pray over her. This is good advice and something I should do. But the urgency of it! Wow! My Mum is in anguish and cannot pass over and she needs to tell me things that will radically change by life and viewpoints. A bit mind blowing, though may be based on fact that is less exaggerated. It is something I must do for we had a very different relationship, something you would normally attribute to the movies or a fiction book in fact. Lets just say that I was baptised a spiritualist, had a poltergeist experience at the decision age of twelve that lasted many months and have looked many real devils in the face during later years of world travel. Oh, and my sudden urge at 21 to locate my Mum whom I had never seen and not knowing where she lived, yet driving hours through darkness to a small town in Cumbria and arriving at a guest house in a place I had never heard of. Walking up the huge stone steps to an opening door of Mum who already knew I was coming. Now that was something I have never forgotten.
Or the guardian angel that was bestowed upon me who has saved my life many times, though desperately seeks to be pro-active. Though as we all know, nothing is for nothing and the price with allowing this inner force greater autonomy is not in keeping with main stream religious beliefs or Buddhism.

  Spirits, poltergeists, devils and demons are something I know well about, that Mum gifted upon me along with the power to confront Lucifer himself if necessary. That doesn't mean I enjoy being amongst them or around anyone who keeps seeing them. Just the opposite as I know too well their powers.

  Today I feel quite low and drained for some reason. Thoughts of 'what if' continue creeping in. Its natural to have a defence system that wants to know what if and make plans accordingly. But this 'what if' is too hurtful to examine. That's the blockage at this moment in time and I know there is no long term anything until this is answered. So I build day by day on a very delicate and extremely volatile situation, that could erupt at any time making the 'what if' necessary. I really hope with all my heart not. But the one thing anyone who has known Eliza for any length of time knows is that predictable she is not.

Liam is back today so all change I hope and some fun days out over the Easter holidays. 
Don't forget to choose and ad you like and click it.  It costs you nothing but helps towards my financial independence.