GET GONE
The Beginning of an End to a Beginning
by Eduardo

15th April

  Left E dancing with the phones on last night and did some work in the Lodge.  At least this grand lodge will not be wasted.  E wants to turn it into a meeting place for Buddhist prayers.  That pleased me, as I put a lot of effort into this building and would be such a shame to see it unused except by the spiders. As each hour goes by, she becomes more resolute about her karma and the ensuing changes in her lifestyle.  There may be a half hearted attempt to halt it all when the leaving day comes, but her resolution is way to strong even now to be anything more than half hearted. This gives me even more reason to believe the process is due to be hurried along a little as E is getting impatient. Her courses will be finished soon and a new job must be sought to provide some income to replace mine. Anyway, looks like there could be a competition to be wagered,  L reckons a 20 something may not fancy me.  I have absolute delight in accepting that challenge which I do believe will cause him to see his dad in a totally different light.  Not the partially disabled, dispirited and drained man slogging away daily on a quest that can never be achieved he has come to see me as.  Well back in my time, to be the oldest swinger in town was a rarity to see but these days, the streets are full of them so its my era. So that should be fun, especially in the new car decided upon.  Out with the Chevy and Rover, in with a snazzy coverable with all the extras. A smart Jag, BM or American open top is more my style now.  Its time to start looking upwards and important, away from this dispiriting situation that feeds me nothing any more and into the arms of passionate gratitude that can wash over me.  Every inch of my pride and manhood craves for that simple food, if only it could be tomorrow.  I so desperately want to experience that which has been a baren desert for so many years.  But it must await a little longer as actions are executed to provide.  My Father used to always say that before getting a bird, make sure you first have a safe cage.  Meaning in those days, a bird was a girl. So first the house and office, then the needed companion.

  Over the years I have seen many older males with nice young 'dolly birds' by their side.  Ive seen the looks they get from other men, they range from utter astonishment to green envy.  Well I'm going to be one of those alpha males and absolutely soak up all those looks, I might even grow an inch taller from the pride. Ha, ha. What about all those hot steamy nights, afternoons and mornings?  Wow my Latin blood is going to have a field day, unleashed into the passion of youth and experience entwined by simple bonds. A few weeks of that would certainly get the batteries recharged, just imagine the affect for the rest of my life. There would always be an emptiness left my E, we were soul mates and thats why it lasted as long as it did.  But just like the appearance of wealth into E's life will fill some of that emptiness, so will the appearance of much easier obtained gratitude ease mine. 

 10:48
  Cant believe this fantastic weather, non stop sunshine and in the 20's. Its been about two weeks of it now and so unusual for early April in UK. Soon it will be 'Costa del England'. Where I am going should be perfect and who needs to go abroad if the four important S's are available here?  Sun, sea, sand and sex.  That is exactly how my new life will be with abundance of them all.  Reminded Liam of his challenge when we chatted this morning in the bedroom.  He came to see if I was awake and to tell me that mum was on the phone and telling her friend about this new fantasy (as he now calls them). How she was going to get a new job selling technical stuff to rich guys and how she would travel the world first class to met them all.  I told him that maybe she could pull this one off, though possibly not to the expectations she had.   Anyway we joked about all those looks from another guys, when we went out and I was arm in arm with my new 20 something companion who might even be black.  He reminded me that Evelyn would be a good choice.  If only.  I could be quite happy and feel safe with her as her upbringing and background would be firmly based on family, loyalty and the smaller importance's in life.  So she is a Christian?  At least that means that she will follow the basic good principles and lead her life and thoughts accordingly.  That sounds nice and simple and at least, when things go wrong I might get the blame but, when I do well or benefits arrive, I will get some of the credit not the Buddha or her God.  Its difficult enough living in another's shadow and chasing their dreams, but when someone else gets all the credit for every good thing that I make happen, thats too much and another reason for my present depletion and necessity to find a companion and start again.

  No, the reward I can now look forwards to is completeness at last.  In charge at last of my life and responsible for everything that happens in it, good or bad. While E's trip is her past, present and future lives throughout the eternity of existences, mine is more firmly based the reality of this life.  My beliefs before I met E were formed over years of studying different religions and sects.  I read the bible three times by fourteen.  A great book and it educated me splendidly in command of the English language, as was the intention behind encouraging me to read it.  I just found it fascinating.  All those, 'though shall nots' and 'coming asunders'.  Those fireballs and damnation's to eternal hell.  The brutality of wars and killings, all in the name of this God and 'Onwards Christian soldiers'.  'Sound the battle cry' and chapters upon chapters about destruction from vengeance, even the whole world eventually!   Wow, it was gripping stuff to a six year old as I was when I started reading it for the first time.  Fortunately though, Genesis was a more gentle and wondrous start to it all, before the damnation's, devils and killings in later chapters. And the illusions and fantasy's are just well, fantastical!  I soon discovered that virtually all the main stream religions were based on derivations of the same theme.  None of them accepted the facts of Darwin and virtually all them were based upon things that have been irrefutably disproved by simple facts of knowledge and science. It seemed to me as I started traveling the world, that the further east you went, the more realistic and factual religions and beliefs became. The time in the Middle East and Morocco showed me a much better side to religion, while India showed the same better similarities.  Then came the Confucius and Buddhist sects and I always knew that somewhere amongst them was a more complete and factual explanation to everything.  As, only when one can first find that explanation, can one truly believe and then follow a path.

  Not finding the right one at that time, I formed my own set of conduct and morale rules along with a pocketful of all the common denominators of all the religions I knew of.  That served me well.  People who I have told this too and who have known my life, have often remarked that I should take my beliefs and form a new religious sect.  They felt it was that good.  So when I met E and introduction to Buddhism,  I soon discovered that here was something that was not a religion or sect, it was a fact. It combined everything that I had come to realise as fact and expanded it so much further, that even my scientific mind has been stretched many times to comprehend.   Though despite all that, the basic principles are simple enough for any lay person to grasp as they are facts.

  In Morocco there was this really great Moroccan businessman who loved to spend time talking to me and we enjoyed some really deep conversations about things that others would be inflamed by.  It seemed impossible for either of us to insult the other or their beliefs irrespective of how intrusive the subject. I developed a saying when we talked of the troubles in the world.  "If half the world was Muslim and the other half were Buddhists, what a wonderful world it would be."  He went forward in life remembering that statement as one of the most profound he had ever heard and today I still believe that to be true. I have always respected all religions and accept there are many Gods and Devils which should all be respected.  I would prefer my new companion maybe to be an African Muslim, but Christian, Jew or whatever.  As long as she does not see devils in everyone or curse people, which I doubt as she would never get that close to me in the first place.  My perception senses have always been high and have saved my life several times, so I immediately pick up one bad things like that.

  Anyway, E seems completely content with prospects at the moment.  Problem is, she expects me to show my usual enthusiasm, help and encouragement and that's very difficult. I must now polish up her CV for this new career as an international sales woman and print it for her.  In the enthusiasm of it all and the dreams and fantasies which still drift aimlessly around, she forgets that while she is merely expanding further the path she has always been on, I am the one starting from absolutely scratch, just my clothes, computers and books.  I must face and acquire new everything  Environment, home and bed.  Oh course she should be happy, she is only replacing me with a new quest.  Everything else stays as is for her. The continued security and a beautiful home, surrounded by the materialism I have created from nothing.  A haven indeed as everyone who visits here feels and say's.  So impressed they are at the sheer beauty and harmony they feel when visiting the fruits of my love driven productivity. And to achieve so much in such a short time, they wonder and congratulate. And those beautiful gardens that cost thousands to construct and stock they admire in wonderment.  If only E had shown such simple appreciation for what I had provided.  If only she could have seen what everyone else has said. "How fortunate she was."  "The perfect husband and provider." The beautiful home, the expensive gifts, the travel, the quality food and the little luxuries that lay like litter around her that disposable income provides.
But E has never seen what she has, only what her karma depicts she must have. So she is always happy for a few days from all the wonderful praise that visitors bestow, then its always back to the same dispiriting drive for what she must have and everything else is forgotten as if it never took place, except the bad parts of course, so all consuming is her karmic force.  So I must go and finish this CV for her and do some other letters as its one in the afternoon.

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