GET GONE
The Beginning of an End to a Beginning
by Eduardo 

  The days pass so quickly now, just three more weeks and Liam and I will be lazing on a Mombassa beach enjoying the simple pleasures of life. And maybe, the past two months of trauma and years before that will start fading away.
Though after years of believing in love that was not love, I am left wondering just what is love. Its certainly not the old fashioned family type love that should be thicker than water and stand most tests.
I have been studying people very much recently and the more I look, the more I feel happy with my life. The stress and unhappiness is etched into their faces while their body language tells of the weight they carry.
Liam and I spent an hour yesterday on the tube, just putting all the passengers into categories that were so obvious to see. The worker who has no future and despairs for something better. The couples who only pretend to be with each other and really would like to be elsewhere. The pin stripe gents, weighted down by the responsibility of huge mortgages and job uncertainty and possibly thoughts of his wife's lovers who satisfy what he is never there to give. The middle aged crises ones, who stare into space trying to escape their uncertain tomorrow. From rich to poor, it was hard to find anyone who showed any satisfaction or enjoyment in life.
It was a very good education for him and he is learning very quickly the way to observe others from a distance and see through their fog.

Its now Friday night and a rather quite weekend is looming as the weather is looking decidedly wet. So no guests and barbeques tomorrow or Sunday. Liam came home early on Wednesday this week with a slight tummy upset, so my plans were quickly re-scheduled, much to Sumana and Jina's disappointment. He doesn't go back until Tuesday, so its the life of a monk for me until then. Sumana has already stated that Tuesday morning I must go straight to her place and wake her up. I really think this young lady is over the top with either some 'older guy' infatuation, or just plain twenty four seven horny. Either way, who am I to complain? She is young, rich and thinks I am the answer to dreams and, willing to show me how much.
I must admit that her techniques of love making are very different and it is a pleasure to feel a whole man, with her ensuring my satisfaction instead of the other way round. Its a little like a Geisha girl who is only concerned with achieving the ultimate in pleasing the male. I sometimes think that the only thing missing is a bunch of grapes as she seduces me into a galaxy of love and pleasure. Her skin is so soft and smooth its like I am almost bewitched by it. We lay there and I just run my hand over every inch of that softness, gently kissing from head to toe. It is a wonderful experience as she reacts with slow writhing and gasps to my roaming and then, she takes over and wow, I mean takes over. Her small figure pulsates as she sits astride and explores my body with her soft small hands. She bends over letting the jet black hair fall down and starts the kissing, working downwards right to the toes and back up again. While her hands work like trained experts in providing pleasure and her gently kisses change to an occasional playful nip that only heightens the joy I have reached by then. Last time at her parents house, she took me across the entire galactic universe of pleasure for a whole hour. I didn't come, it was more like a huge sunburst.

Sexually, its possibly the highest of highs, though something is missing that leaves a niggling emptiness inside afterwards. We are not joined, only in the sexuality is there a feeling of union. There is no possibility to see a lasting future in this relationship, even though she believes that to be a certainty. But in reality, I am that father figure that was never there for her when she needed, as he was too busy making the millions. The older man she longed to be loved back from, but was never there to offer the security she desperately needed to feel from his embracing arms.
I am merely a substitute with a bonus of sexual satisfaction thrown in. There can be nothing concrete in such a relationship, just a happy few months or maybe years so I think its time to start winding this one down, before she gets too infatuated by the illusion of happiness. Though my physical and spiritual side beg to continue on the journey she offers regardless of consequence, I must seek something more realistically secure. Apart from which, there is Liam to consider and he has already made his preference for a longer term mummy replacement well known. On the one hand he expects me have fun and go out on dates, but hopes that I will settle down to one only, the quicker the better. He still holds out on my settling down with Evelyn for keeps, he liked her spirit from the first moment and surprised us all with his instant bonding all those years ago in Malindi. I must admit, having watched them interact and play, they act just like brother and sister together. Though I did notice she got rather authoritative with him sometimes when he got carried away acting daft but, surprisingly he responded with respect and behaved and that pleased me.
Strange how circumstances swung everything around to the way it is and could be. Before the bizarre Black Christian and JuJu trip started, this girl was just that to me, a girl. Heck, she is younger than my daughter. I liked her as a person and felt secure, or more importantly, felt the house was secure with her as the house maid. She was respectful and pleasant and certainly the best worker we had ever employed, the house actually shone. That's the way it should have stayed for the two years contract.
Now, I am seriously courting her with emails and texts and, she is starting to respond. To me its a parody where someone's belief in a non existence fantasy, conjures up a reality for the other person. I believe one thing for sure, my former wife was a spiritually powerful person. I say was, as from what I have seen, the devils she set loose have consumed most of that power and have yet to roost back to whence they came. There is much cause and effect to unfold, yet I am receiving positive effects daily in my life from all the negative causes created by others. Apart from which I am making my own decisions for a change and building upon that unlimited energy I used to have. Instead of being swept along in some sort of blinding spell which gave little control.

Its now Tuesday already and Liam is back at school. Very much under the weather during the weekend and still a little shaky. Still Jina arrived last night and knew just what to cook for a miserable tummy and it worked like magic. Got me thinking how there is something to be said for the more mature woman. They know how to cope with the not such fun days from experience. Like most women, Jina would love me to say the magic word and settle down with her. I must admit I spent a while considering the options, however I have a fantasy materialising elsewhere and whether it lasts briefly or the infatuation turns into love, only time will tell. However, the experience will be worth the uncertain short term future and I am creating no bad causes by enjoying the moment, just the opposite, I am giving what flows through my veins naturally, faithful and unconditional love. Something I am finding that is almost as rare as rocking horse droppings out there in the real world. From old to young, from wealth to poverty the male species is not a very loving person, not in the true sense. Most of the young ones are looking for a mother figure, preferably with her own pad. While the older ones are just looking. All the time! The word love is used so loosely these days that the real meanings have been diluted almost to non existence
Love is, when you can care for a sick person and instead of diminishing from an obligation, the love grows and deepens.
Love is, communication and spending hours delightfully in each others company.
Love is, when you can call your lover your friend and companion.
Love is, times of outrageous laughter between each other.
Love is, still holding hands and feeling proud of each other after years together.
Love is a thousand more things that all go together to make the real word spoken in truth. Love knows no boundaries, it can exist with or without sex, wealth or health. In fact true love grows stronger in the face of adversity.
Though sadly, that sort of love appears to have vanished from the conception of most males. Its like the true family values have been in decline for thirty years and now, the men of today are the product of that decline. Younger ones are looking for substitutes not love, while older ones are just playing the field.
Even the date finding services are swamped with tens of thousands of women in search of that elusive love. When you read past all their introductory hype, the bottom line is they all want a man who will love them truly and faithfully and that's it. Because, if you have that basic foundation and treat it right, anything is possible in the relationship. Even dreams and fantasy's can come true.

Talking of dreams and fantasy's, I sent a long text to Sumana yesterday canceling today and us. There has been no reply so seems the message was understood. I just don't need her infatuation and its complications. A brilliant opportunity maybe but a very short term future I feel and I have something a little more settled to look forwards to. And for now, I have everything I need in Jina, well at least for another three weeks anyway. Even though she knows our relationship is temporary, she will be hurt when we part. Must admit I will be just a little, she kind of grows on you in the niceties of ways. She could make a very good wife for a good man. She came by tonight instead of tomorrow and we enjoyed some food after which it was no tv, just straight to bed. O la la!

Well its Wednesday morning, Jina has gone to work and the week of peace is over, as the past just text me. She is back from Portugal and no doubt problems to sort, money wanted and the past revisited. It was so relaxed for the last week and I managed to keep her from my mind most days. But now its back to haunt me. I spoke on the phone with her and get the strong impression she would like things back the way they were. Much as that may be appealing after being together for sixteen years, it is an impossibility. I have not changed, I am exactly as before but now, with the realisation that I am extremely content with myself, even proud of what I am and grateful to be born that way. I am still disabled so that has not changed. I am still poor in her eyes, that has not changed. And my friends still include black christians!!
So what hope of anything working between us, it didn't before and she has not changed or ever will.
Besides which, I never travel backwards and the future is bright without her. A future without tripping from one fantasy to another and living in illusion. A future that's real and touchable, one that is tangible and transparent. Not wrapped up in obscure spiritual mist. A future without being ordered, commanded and dictated to. A future devoid of the daily lectures of chastisement and degradation. A future where the man is a man and his woman is proud of him.
No woman will ever wag her finger at me again, that is sure. My woman will be humble, respectful and tolerant with her man. She will only expect two things from him; faithfulness and to deeply love her. Both of which are my nature.
No more fighting against impossible odds to achieve happiness, in my future I can relax for a change and let the natural happiness of real love sweep over me. Along with all those wonderful fringe benefits that come with it.
It would be a very foolish lion tamer who put his head back into the mouth of a lion who tried to bite it off. A fool I am no longer.

She would often quote to me that life is a stage and we are here to play our role. The past sixteen years has been exactly that, a stage play. With me as the lead man in this wonderful fairy tale adaptation of a fantasy. Well, the illusion did not materialise and the play is over. That is what she should have accepted before she lost me to a new star role in a new play. One that I write and one that is brimming with reality and overflowing with pleasure.
For me, the futures bright, the futures orange. In her future, no doubt she will meet someone and build some type of fantasy around him, change direction again and all will be okay in the new illusionary future. Hopefully, the fantasy will not be too great and aspirations too high and it will last, especially if he has a few bob and can dance now and again.
Who knows, somewhere along the way she may discover that reality is not so bad after all and how much fun us common mortals can be.

Friday is here again and Liam will be home soon, another week gone and another week closer to the holiday.
Had some news this morning that has left me feeling a little melancholy. My eldest son rang to say his mum (my first wife), passed away peacefully yesterday. It was expected as she had been poorly for a while, but I was pleased to know she went quietly. She was a good woman at heart, we were just two worlds apart and totally incompatible in a marriage that lasted just over two years. But we did have two wonderful children that would make any parent proud. Although all attachments have long since faded, it does make one feel in a reflectance mood about the past and future.
Three marriages lasting two, twelve and sixteen years is not a good record and certainly begs questions of what am I doing wrong? The answer I now understand, having heard it so many times from friends and acquaintances all my life, even from Liam. I spoil them.
Yes it is a fault, though maybe most women out there would disagree, a man can spoil a woman with love, just like a parent can spoil a child. There is no difference. I admit I spoil Liam just a little sometimes. When someone makes you feel so proud you are walking tall, of course human instinct is to dote on and spoil. Unfortunately I was born without that switch to turn unconditional love on or off. Or the filter that limits and distorts the true meaning of love.
So yes, I spoilt all my women. Not with money, though I do when its there, but with love, patience and tolerance. I consciously work hard at being that perfect person at that perfect time, whether its laughing or making love. I like my woman to feel proud of me and work hard at making her proud. To treat her as an equal in everything and not diminish her femininity. Even down to open the door for her and treating her as a lady. So all that is spoiling apparently. That's what all the male emails I receive say and surprisingly, over 70% of the ladies out there who have emailed me say the same.
One very nice email I received from a young lady from France said amongst other things.
"You problem is you care too much for your woman. I wish it were me. xxx".
So once more, the general concession of opinion is just that. Too much spoiling.

Now i am at a crossroads in life with two options. Go forwards as before, hanging on to those so wonderful values or, totally abandon the old fashioned ways and love flippantly like others. Despite recent activities, I could never be truly at ease being anything other than what I am. A very nice man with love that flows deeper than most oceans to offer someone who will treasure and protect it from harm. That's where I'm at, that's where I'm going.