GET GONE
The Beginning of an End to a Beginning
by Eduardo

   The one concern I have about this new place is the proximity. Kew is quite a small place, split in two by the railway station she will be living as they say on the other side of the tracks. A good twenty minute walk, so reasonably close and I can quite envisage her occasionally going way out her way to get anywhere and walking past this way just to nosey. Its human. As long as she doesn't start ringing the doorbell as that will be most unwelcome. Once gone is gone in my books, especially considering the rather ridiculous reasons for departure. No its her bed and my new life involves no part of Eliza's chosen path anymore, no part whatsoever. I know there will be another confrontation after she moves, I know Eliza. When she starts to realise that not only her major dreams still don't materialise, but all those little ones that she took for granted over so many years, are like the rocking horse s**t they really are, she will start wandering around this way. In hope maybe of finding a way back to all that comfort and security once enjoyed. Or perhaps those great hours of conversations and laughter that no longer happen in her life. The longing to tour again to one of the dozens of beautiful places we discovered together or maybe in hope of feeling those protecting arms around her that were always there without fail, day and night for eternity if she had wanted. But by then all that will be just a another fantasy for her, another fantasy that can never come true. Because I will never again sacrifice what I know as reality for her or anyone's else's fantasy.
It pains me as I write this and those nasty little salty things are dripping my cheek again. Damn this woman. No not literally, though many possibly would.

  It was Eliza's beliefs that drove the wedge of zero tolerance between us, which is in itself hard to live with in any relationship. But when one applies the same zero tolerance towards the non materialisation of fantasy's and dreams and blames accordingly, a relationship of any kind is impossible.
If she comes knocking at my door she will receive exactly the same as she gives to others and repeated to me a hundred times.
"If anyone comes knocking at my door wanting anything, I will just give them Nam Myho Renge Kyo. If they want to change they want. If not, they can chose to go on suffering." That is Eliza's zero tolerance hard way of dealing with everyone and has been for many years.
So if she ever comes looking for anything here again, I shall just tell her to go chant about it and her master, the Buddha will provide.
I really do hope it never comes to that, but the world of reality can be a hard place for those chasing illusions of grandeur and importance. I say importance, as this is another driving force that has always laid there under the surface. Eliza needs to feel important. Not just you and I type of importance, but really important, you know VIP red carpet important and that's simply out of my present league.
If that red carpet does not materialise or show any positive signs of doing so, reality will start dawning. Then, when all the smaller materialisations fail to appear as well, then reality will come thundering in with force of an earthquake. The tremor of such awakening to reality is normally severe, enough to cause mass destruction of the flimsy infrastructure of illusions and fantasy's. It all comes down like a pack of cards.
   I have never experienced what they say is the ultimate feeling of devastation. Nor, due to my more realistic views, will I ever do so, but I have read about its occurrence's and effects. They are not nice I can tell you and, normally some professional help is required by that stage.
The danger is that the loss is often blamed upon someone else, as is the human instinct to do. In this case her anger would be directed at, yes you guessed.
If that day ever comes, I will have no option but to give Eliza what she would give me and everyone else, if the boots was changed. "The Buddha will provide, just keep on chanting Nam Myho Renge Kyo, you'll see!"

  In any event, I would automatically protect the new relationship, which will no doubt exist by then. Eliza also knows full well the conditions of this separation - no way back - it is final.
I have repeated this many times in the earlier days of her upheaval in attempt to bring her to reality and repeated it since to ensure she full understood the finality, if she continued pursuing this illusionary karma. She can never question that and my conscious is totally clear. Eliza is fully aware of the consequences of what she has presently done, yet chooses to dismiss them as acceptable losses in achieving her fantasy's
   I remember the old wise saying. 'A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.'
Eliza has always chased the two in the bush while ignoring the needs of the one in hand, yet taking it along for the wild chase that never succeeded.
Well she finally had to let the one in hand go, so two hands can be used to catch the others who still fly faster than she can run. Such is the way of illusions, that pot of gold is never in the field when you get there, as the rainbow has moved on to the next field and so on.
In Eliza's world no matter how green I made the grass in our field, it was always greener elsewhere in the next field. Sixteen years of chasing greener grass and never ending rainbows.
A lot of it was great fun and some of it irresponsible, but there comes a time of at least partial acceptance of normality in everyone's life, or so I wrongly believed. I don't think normality or any section of it will ever be a part of Eliza, its just not built into her genetic mental structure. Any mention of normality would be a direct threat to a fantasy by virtue of the fact that normality is associated with reality, and that would never do.

  Needless to say with all the plan A, B and C over the past couple of days, my date with the young lady on Monday was proponed. I text her that some meeting had come up and I would contact in a couple of days. Maybe I will leave it to next week as so much to get on with. Mail is piling up and work is screaming for attention, so its head down for a few days and catch up on what's been neglected. Anyway the nooky side is still a plenty so that's not a need right now.
I did ask her afterwards this afternoon.
"Why this sudden change since coming back from Japan of liking the man on top?"
"Don't know." She replied seeming lost for answer. "I've always liked it. Its what I've been used to."
Her reply was so wrong, yet I challenged only very weakly.
"No you don't You have never like it with me on top. You laid that down very clearly from day one and have rigorously enforced it since I've known you."
"I don't know then." She quietly said.
I said something else to change the subject as I could sense its delicacy and went down for a shower still pondering on her very strange answer.
Logical reality predicts the cause of this sudden change in nooky techniques was either the actual physical experience of them while in Japan, possibly with the would be film director chappy.
Or, a radical change within of massive proportions. A complete human revolution in progress.
Either way, the change is a complete surprise and very enjoyable at that, though it now causes me deep concern. From the deep french kissing she so despised, to everything else. Its like she's been on a 'how to satisfy a man in bed' course and taken it to the extreme.

  While the first cause may be the norm in most cases, the second resembles not just a radical change, but a whole new identity. Which is getting into some pretty heavy psychiatric realms of split personalities and schizophrenia.
Hence the first cause is usually the norm. Before Japan, I would have said the first cause was impossible. However, seeing the accelerated change in her for the first time at the airport and increasingly so ever since, I start to think.
Seeing how radical she is behaving now and her thought train, what if she was the same in Japan? How far into a fantasy would she have gone? Since coming back, she has demonstrated clearly that there are no boundaries whatsoever to how far she is willing to travel into that tunnel of fantasy, irrespective of loved ones. So in Japan the boundaries would have been even more distant on exploratory fields of illusion, within which all reality would be excluded. 

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