GET GONE
The Beginning of an End to a Beginning
by Eduardo

  Wed 11:10

  Unabated sunshine as usual and temperatures in the low twenties, thank heavens for that.
Briefly saw her this morning as she smiled "Hello darling."
I have not used the darling word for some time and will never use it again.  Babe, honey, anything but this illusionary my darling soul mate thing. I don't believe in soul mates any more than I do darling's from now on.  I keep wanting to say.
"No more darlings please."   But keep letting it pass for the sake of peace and quite.
She has just finished morning prayers and come into the lodge for something or other. Its obvious she is looking for more contact between the two of us, and would like me to respond to her occasional touch on my arm or shoulder.  As no doubt she would like a proper kiss or even a brief hug, that she loved so much.  But I cant handle it.  I need to distance emotions not entwine them further.
While in Eliza's view there's nothing changed, except what she wants changed and everyone should be acting like normal.

  Talk about the devil, I did it. Eliza just walked into the lodge to get something and said, as if nothing is different in our lives.
"You alright darling?"
I looked across at her and replied.
"Eliza. Please no more darlings. Babe, honey anything but darling."
"But you are my darling. My darling husband. I love you. I will always love you. So I will call you my darling."
I just let it go, as obviously there is no way through her delusions and illusions any more.  She still feverishly believes we are soul mates and I am going to love her until eternity.  The whole illusionary trip is way beyond anyone's comprehension now.
What do I do?  I must as always try to protect her from the brutal force of reality and hope she wakes up one day.  But in so doing I leave myself completely open and vulnerable, which I cannot support for much longer, maybe a week at tops.

  She came back a few minutes later, placed her hands upon the desk and leaned forwards to quietly 'tick me off'.
"I hope you change your karma. For your own sake!"   She uttered sternly.
I gently replied "My karma is okay.  Its obviously not the same as yours, but we are all different are we not?
She repeated again before disappearing. "I just hope you change it."
How many times she has said this I really don't know.  Maybe daily or even hourly, it is without doubt one of the most played tracks on her massive database of criticisms.   Change your karma.  Not just played repeatedly to me, but everyone.
    You see Eliza needs anyone she meets to agree with her views and show eager willingness to change.   If you refuse or take too long to change into that which she desires to suit her ideal requirements, your toast!   Its that simple.   Do as I do or get out of my life.  That's it in finality, no excuses are allowed.  If you fail to please even slightly, things start getting difficult and you are soon crossed of the favourites list and purged from her life.  I managed to outstrip all the previous failures and hang in there for sixteen years. Now that is one gigantically huge miracle in itself!  Its cost me everything, my health and wealth and left me drained into nothingness, but I climbed to the peak!  Okay, one big waste of energy you may say, but what a challenge and one I felt worthy of taking on!  Really believing that once the summit had been achieved, the entire world would be laid out in splendour before me.  That I would be able to enjoy until eternity the privileged position at the top, holding her close in my arms watching life's sunsets in her soul mates utopian dreams.
But how wrong.  The climb was fraught with unexpected obstacles Eliza's demands would place in ones way and at the top?
   Nothing!  No utopia. No real soul mate, just bitter disappointment at ones own foolishness.  Then you look down and notice there is not even a mountain anymore, it had all been one huge illusion!  Your there floating in nothingness, staring down at this long plunge earthwards, back to reality and instinctively know it is going to hurt, really hurt.

  So yes, my karma is okay. Its about to be rid of her all overshadowing karma, that has reduced my life force to zero.
Oh I am changing karma all right, out with the spirits, in with reality. Back to something I can touch and enjoy in the moment, not some fantasy that defies to materialise.  Like I say, once this was all so fun and exciting.  What's the harm of taking a little time off here and there to chase some small and harmless fantasy?  Yes it may be acting irresponsibly, but if one is free and without ties and everyone involved understands and enjoys the small journey, what's the harm?
When the journeys become like Morocco though its time to pull on the stop chord or jump off the runaway train.  But Eliza's train is not even on rails any more!  Its flying in the thin air of fantasy like a concorde but faster.
Logic states only one possible scenario for the ultimate finality of such a flight of fancy and warns to be nowhere within the crash zone!
I still fail to see why my karma is so bad and hers is so good.
Its her life she's had a bucket load of 'bad' people, according to the many Gospels of Saint Eliza.  She is consumed by past occurrences in this and previous lifetimes, that leave her no peace in the present.  She see's devils around every corner and despises anyone she feels are beneath the superior standards of her or her master, her true husband as she says, the Buddha.   Oh and of course, she has wrecked untold devastation upon others in her obsession with her karma and lost everything here.   Eliza will admit herself she is a radical revolutionary with dreams to match. Whew, what a karma!

  My karma on the other hand was peaceful and quite.  At ease with my environment and others, without any past devils or even bad thoughts.   My karma is a busy industrious one that enjoys the fun of others.   It is full of dreams and aspirations, even a few fantasy's, but none of them interfere with others around me and only serve to better my own life and that of others.  My karma is not perfect, maybe no ones is, but I feel its a very good one none the less. Further more, I know which of the two karmas I prefer.  Would you want a desperately demanding karma that tortured you daily and everyone coming into contact with you?

  Its time to take her to college now, she has decided to give up the psychology course, says the subject is too heavy.  So its just a quick visit so she can say her goodbyes.  Afterwards it was off to the supermarket to buy water and just a few essentials only.  A bulging trolley and ninety quid later, we had two of everything and a few additions like a chopping board, knives, doormat etc etc Oh course Eliza did not miss the opportunity of doing some shopping for the new pad, right down to washing up liquid, it all went in the joint trolley that only one would pay for.
Then off to the local pharmacy superstore for supposedly a small manicure set and toothpaste, obviously two of them.  Forty quid later and still no manicure set, my solitary small tube of toothpaste occupied a heavy bag full of hairdye and other bits and pieces.  I will clean my teeth later using this really expensive tube of toothpaste.

   She actually agreed to come off her royal horse for something to eat at the high street cafe.  Although very spacious and modern, working class people will go there to eat sometimes and the new Eliza despises them. Thankfully she suggested it, so I enjoyed my first hot real three veg meal since, I cannot remember.  She also had a jacket potato with an enormous tuna topping and salad.
The meal was quite, I was enjoying too much, even if it was the usual tasteless boiled stuff with bisto gravy. Today it was nice.

   The drive home was reasonably uneventful. A couple of attempts to delve into the past and how it was all my fault failed as I just am not really bothered any more.  I know the truth, I can go back and read an accurate witness statement to the facts if I wanted to and that's what matters to me and my peace of mind.  Not a slide show of distorted memory pictures that change with each showing.
I think once I reacted and just told her.
"Look luv, do yourself and anyone you ever meet in the future a big favour.  Lock up your illusions and don't ever sell them on all this soul mate crap of yours!"
She simply replied how in her new life there was not going to be anyone, no relationship and how she was going back to being a loner.  I could have asked her where all the wealth was going to come from, but left it alone.  The reply would have been predictable any way, the Buddha will provide when the time is right, she would have answered and there's that steel wall again.  Back home we unloaded the shopping and I left her to it in the house and went off to the lodge.

   That did not stop the sexual appetite of her majesty though and it was not long before she popped into the lodge and summoned me, uncomplaining of course, to the bedroom.  Its about the only demand she has I can still satisfy, though must admit its getting a little like a chore than anything else.
After a shower I continued working until around midnight and went to bed to sleep a peaceful sleep.

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