GET GONE
The Beginning of an End to a Beginning
by Eduardo

  16:28
   She has just come to me in the Lodge and sat down for a private word as the webmaster is not here.
"I've just rung Susie back and said not to bother with the accountant its a bad thing to do."
Well, I was devastated.  Yet again goal posts are moved and conditions attached that destroy any attempt to make her fantasy's into reality.  I maybe was not happy about it but when times are desperate sometimes only equally desperate solutions work.
"You what?"  I stared at her flabbergasted.
"No, cant do it."  She answered.
"That's it then."  I said deflated from the earlier false inflation after the previous deflation after ..... and so it has always gone on so many times before.  All those times in the past I have very nearly achieved the impossible for her, then against all odds its nearly materialised and BANG!  Something is added subtracted or not quite right due to some new insight or enlightenment.  Its been like a builder working from imaginary plans that the architect keeps changing during the actual build.  I personally think I have performed a miracle by building anything at all, even if it is twisted at every corner in her eyes because it does not follow her latest interpretation of the plan.  A plan quite often that Eliza herself no longer understands.   Then just like scrapping the Trident after billions invested, the plan is dismissed as another failure on my part.
"But I told them the truth."   She answered back, still not understanding how she had blown it.   "I told them I was a writer and about the book becoming a film.  Its true!  It will become a film in the future!"   She so adamantly countermanded.
"Oh yes, you told them the truth and then added a huge fantasy to it.  Your super rich in there opinion, going to have someone famous staying in there house they think.  You silly woman!  Wake up to reality!"
"But its true!"  She shouted back in defence. "It is all going to happen. Look how Tony compared my writing to a sexy Hemingway. You've never told me that!"
Tony is of course this guy who seems to have had a revolutionary impact on her in Japan.  A fellow Buddhist, he told her he was a film director or something and how he had contacts and could get her noticed etc etc.   Its a classic from countless films, girl meets would be director who only wants her knickers and promises to introduce her, this that and the other.  No, I am not saying that happened.  But virtually every day she asks if there's an email from him about the book.  Of course apart from one with a couple lines about being in N. Y., nothing.   But every day she still expects it to happen.
   Meanwhile after years and years of the encouragement and support I gave her to write this book.  The countless hours each and virtually every day, I would help her when she got stuck and read through what she had written. In the early years, the editing took much time as entire sentences had to be re-written, replacement words found and whole paragraphs altered.  This went on as I slowly taught her how to write a book.   By about two years of daily hands on help, she had developed a solid skeleton in her mind.  Then came the task of gently showing her ways to embellish it all.  Adding twigs to the bold and bare branches and maybe another couple of years later, how to decorate the tree with foliage.   By the time we moved here three years ago, i had done two major re-writes of the whole book, though perfectly preserving the authors unique style and use of words.  I had to even re-educate myself and get fully interlocked with the way she wrote, because who betide me if I changed anything that was not read out to her first.  So that in itself was a major task, I spent years at the computer going over her previous chapters, proof reading and editing them.  She may have taken five painful years to write it, but I shadowed her every agonising moment with that novel.  I was her inspiration, energy input and teacher all in one.  Congratulating her with each days work and sharing the scenes with her as I would read it all back to her, sometimes three times.  There were many days I spent more time on building up the author than the novel itself.  Without that daily fusion I gave her, the book would have never past page ten. Then afterwards the dozens upon dozens, maybe a hundred or more publishers and agents I researched and carefully sent this professionally prepared manuscript to.  I spent months of typing and hundreds on postage for her.
But because I did not compare her with the Shakespeare's of this world and this Tony fellah did, well you get the picture, and its getting painful to keep writing it over and over again.  She has much to learn about the shallowness of people.  She is always boasting about how wise she is and how its so easy for her to suss anybody out, just like that!   Yet all someone would have to do, is make one of her fantasy's look even remotely possible of coming true, and suddenly its total belief in them.  Not exactly good building material for any relationship is it?

  Speaking of the devil she has just come again, no not her the devil, and asked to send an email to this Tony chap.  No doubt about the book chapters she sent over to him.  She finished writing it and for the first time managed to click and send it herself. I was in the garden laying out the hose when she passed me and said she was off to chat with Susie again.
About an hour later she comes into the lodge and fortunately by colleague had nipped out for a while.
Sitting down, she looked very shaken and I could see the effect of having to face the reality she despises so much in the haggard lines of sadness.   She is awakening to the loss that has and is happening as everything we put together over sixteen years is slowly either dismantled or destroyed forever.  She is waking up to the reality that has tortured and left me in tears for two years, the finality of it all is becoming heavy on her heart.  Like it has been on mine for so unbearable long.
"I've come up with a solution."  She very calmly said.   "We cant prolong this any more and I cant rent an upmarket property without having a job.  So I've decided. I will put all the things in storage and go live with Susie for a while."
I heard the Susie part but more importantly, the 'for a while' part which immediately concerned me.  So I just looked at her, not really believing that after all this destruction over illusionary lack of money, she was really thinking about going down so much to achieve her goal.  This is the first time in history that Eliza has ever accepted any reality over one of her fantasy's  Especially the one main driving force one that ripped us apart like soggy paper.  An absolute first, something that has been as unlikely as seeing a bright green sun in the sky!
I didn't answer, but just kept looking at her still reeling from such a humbling from her and for the first time since Japan, some actual reality was coming from her words.
She continued to almost sell me on the idea, of how it would be good and how Susie knew people in the property business.  How she would feel safe with Susie, which I very much agree with.  She will pick her up when she falls, I know.
Susie is a five foot nothing bundle of confusion from somewhere in the far eastern hemisphere.  She speaks very poor English despite being here for umpteen years and lives in a big terraced house which she owns, along with some other smaller places which are let out.  Susie has a heart of gold though unfortunately suffers from a long term blood disorder that causes her to not quite be connecting with the rest of us some of the time.  She speaks so fast and is virtually shouting most of the time like a child in excitement.  But she is so harmless and loves Eliza to bits.  Apart from which, Susie's own world has many fantasy's though she is sensible enough to know which ones could be possible and certainly would never cause hurt to others in chasing one of them.  Though, she will encourage Eliza's fantasy's to the hilt.  Having said that, Susie will never have to materially provide for any of Eliza's illusions, unlike me, so will never need to challenge her and bring about a deadly confrontation.
"With all due respects."  I said concerning.   "Her house is not exactly Buckingham Palace is it?  That's quite a come down from this dream that was supposed to be happening real pronto.  You know the parties, gifts and wealth."   Then I could not resist a further chance to hammer home reality to her.
"You know.  All those things you ripped us apart for in the urgency to obtain.  You are now turning your back on to go live in dirt  Don't you see the absolute stupidity?"

I think I got through a little crack in her normally impenetrable steel armour.  Just a shame she allowed us to be destroyed beyond repair before realisation.  You see, Susie's house has not been cleaned for years and piled high everywhere with boxes, bags and countless piles of yellow dog eared papers and mail.  Even the telephone is always buried and she can never find it, so has to ring it on the mobile!  I'm telling you its a nightmare sh** hole!  The total opposite to what Eliza seeks.
But, Susie knows people and there are zillions of letting agents in that densely populated area.  Most of whom are foreigners and less concerned about references than the colour of your money.  Oh course the class of property and area they deal with is not exactly up market and considerably further downwards than what she has here.  But her ideas are becoming more simplified now.  Mr Rich Dick and all that goes with it has been shifted to the more distant future, along with the big job with the big money.  Now its back to basics, live with Susie for a couple of months or whatever, rent a cheaper type of flat and get some kind of job to pay for it all. Basically, the reality of what most people have to do.

  I think during it all, Eliza's conversation half heartedly attempted to patch us all back together somehow and maybe start over again, but we both know its way past that and even if it could be rescued, how long before Eliza gets strongly confident and again starts yanking destructively as her desires demand satisfaction once more. No, I may be a fool for believing this fairy tale gone wrong, but i'm not a complete idiot. For sixteen years this reckoning day was a distant remote possibility, the later two years have seen its full emergence directly in ratio with Eliza's regained strength.
Can this Liampard change her spots?  Not in this lifetime.  She can mask them when it suits, but change them?  No way, impossible.

  So its best this ends here and now, quickly. Its starting to drain her and its been sucking me dry for months. The idea of going to Susie's though a total reversal of what Eliza supposedly seeks, is a safe one and based firmly on reality.  It will also allow this separation to finalise quickly and end the daily torment of knowing its finished but still experiencing the broken bonds as daily contact is maintained.  There's also the confusion that's like suddenly losing all your limbs but feeling that they are still there, even though they are not. I really don't know what Eliza wants or where she is going any more, I just know a very lonely path lined with shadowy trees of reality will dog her search for that dream she feels is her birthright.  So far in Eliza's life there has only ever been once she came close to achieving her dreams and that has been with me.  I've even made many come true, though not enough in quick enough time.  Even if she finds Mr Rich, will he have those other qualities?  Very doubtful, as any normal woman would ensure she kept such a knight in shining armour superman hero and all his money so satisfied he would hardly go out the door, let alone be actively looking.
At least one big remaining question will be resolved this year.  Is it Eliza's karma to never have lots of money or have I lost the ability to make the big stuff anymore?
Once she has gone I will start to know this answer.  At least we shall share a common question after the separation and either way I shall let her know.  It needs to be known so that I can adjust downwards if necessary, my own aspirations and plans.  Maybe I have lost that little bit of Midas touch, who knows.  Maybe I am destined to only ever make middle class or less.  Or possibly there is a remote chance that Eliza's wealth by birthright claims, have always been the destructive force that has delimitated opportunities to obtain that very same wealth.  A catch twenty two continuous circle that constantly devours itself as it keeps chasing its own tail.
Either way, I look forward to know and I am sure Eliza is equally anxious.   If its my karma, I wont have too much problem in acceptance, as my future life will still be reasonably comfortable.
On the other hand I am not quite sure what Eliza's reaction would be if my financial status started increasing and continued to grow.  Even if she was fortunate enough to have improved her own position.
How would she accept that?  How would she deal with the reality that I had made it and another companion, not her was sat on my throne, enjoying what she would still feel is her birthright?  How would she come to terms with the reality that she allowed her by then realised fantasy's to destroy something so perfectly wonderful and real.  As without doubt, if there were extra zeros in the bank, this story would have never been thought about let alone written.   And life would be one big happy spend spend holiday with her wonderful and absolutely faultless four in one man.

  Well she's blown it with me either way.  Irrespective of what happens, my life is soon going to be very real, very simplified and full of enjoyment from small gratitude's.  Complete with a relationship within the very immediate future with some young lady who has not been decided upon.  That's the void Eliza has left behind, not just from her leaving, but the years of constant grinding down.  That void I desperately need to fill and feel that life giving sunshine on my depleted male pride once more.
So yes, the sooner we get all these boxes into storage and Eliza off to Susie's, the sooner I can pick up the pieces from Eliza's storm and put my own life back together again.  That would give me two months to heal and recover, before the holiday with Liam and I so much want to be happy with him on this holiday.  Just to know I am coming back to a peaceful home devoid of unexpected demands from some mystic calling will be a utopia.
Yes there will be times when my emotion switch will remain jammed on for a while and the emptiness such a love leaves behind will sweep over like tsunami waves.  I will heal from the unjust wounds I feel, but how long I will carry her memories and the pain of her loss, I don't know.   Possibly an eternity.

  Meanwhile there is money to be made as usual and this financial blockage thing in my life for years, smashed once and for all.  There is a house to restock an returned to look at least as if someone actually lives there, then spend a day cleaning from top to bottom.  Clean out all the old vibes and everything clean and simple.
Then there's the maid to sort out one way or the other and if not, someone else to take her place.  Then there's the sex life to get sorted, which is back in full form after the best part of sixteen years in the desert.
So of course a companion to be found is high on the list of necessities.   Whether an all in one solution is possible is just speculation of a possible fantasy at this moment.
For now its just important to physically separate and take time to heal, the future is the future.

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