GET GONE
The Beginning of an End to a Beginning
by Eduardo

  Day Two
   Today I am the lowest of my life. Now I have resolved the problem of once more exorcising imaginary witch's from Eliza's environment, I sat and realised my emptiness. I looked around and saw nothing. i looked back and saw nothing. I looked forwards and saw nothing.
Why? Because inside there was nothing. Everything I have ever done or achieved has never satisfied Eliza. At the best one may expect a "well its only second best but suppose it will do" kind of acknowledgement. Though most things are either not fast enough, good enough or some other enough. Not a single opportunity was ever lost to repeat the brainwashing records of failures and inadequacies, until, today I realised, that was it. I was now brainwashed into believing that fact. That's why I saw nothing and felt so empty.
Self esteem? Empty.
Pride? Void.
Worth? None.
Whether I am stood on a precipice or fallen into it, I don't know. I think I've hit the bottom.
   Tonight, I had to share the grief of another person devastated by the effect of these latest illusions of witchery, black magic and all that mind screwing junk. Liam, who like his Dad is very pure in nature, thank heavens. And no doubt like I, was receptive to Evelyn's honest, simple and natural spirit being devoid of anything malignant. He doesn't imagine that most people are planning some kind of skulduggery towards him, or see imaginary devils peering out of peoples hearts. Fortunately, he has a healthy normal imagination and knows the boundaries of reality and illusion well enough to know what can and cannot be considered acceptable. He also shows an uncanny quickness to feel both good and bad vibes. To him now, Mum is the witch by association of seeing evil in someone we both know did not have any. For a while he has shown signs of just ignoring most of what Mum says, like most he finds it all rather nonsense. However, this I don't think he will ever forget or forgive, not so much because he has lost contact with someone he cared about, but the way it was done and by whom.

  As for me. I am right back where it all started today. Hours i spent today in constructive conversation with Eliza about dealing with fantasy and reality. I really gained a little confidence of finding a way forwards. But true to form, some time later it was all proved yet another total waste of time. The only parts she will remember is that I tried to force or manipulate her once again.
I say this from a call I received from Kenya to let me know she arrived safely. A simple act of thoughtfulness that most reality based people would do.
   Well I tell you, tonight I saw one of the devils that Eliza is always on about. It was in her. The phone was nearly a goner, she just went berserk! Completely and absolutely gone.

  Like I say seeing Eliza similar to this is no stranger to me. But as she recovers more from the illness, her strength is stronger and everything she does is stronger. This was already becoming un-livable with before going to Japan. Now though, the strength is ten times more and so is everything wielded at everyone.

  I had hoped Japan would bring change of direction and strength. Yet once more I do something good for her and all my reward is a whole bucket of s..t to sort out. Strength, sure it came, massive amounts of it. Direction though is sadly unchanged. There is just a whole lot more energy directed at it.

  I kept away from intimacy from my Mother to avoid the encountering of devils and witchcraft. Must I now do the same with Eliza?

  I cannot survive in a relationship where I am not allowed to challenge illusions for fear of receiving wrath and even more belittlement from the same old collection of dirty rags kept specially for the occasion. A world I myself have felt the experience of, where even those doing good are discredited or even worse, become evil. Any world shared by illusionary evil plotters is not a place to live, because eventually, no matter how hard one may try, you become one of them.

  Two things are paramount in my brain. One I must find solution to, the other Eliza must eradicate.

  1. How do I rebuild on the wreckage of achievement. How do I refill the feelings of accomplishment and un-delude my present brainwashed self. There is no repair possible, it must I fear be rebuilt anew from scratch. The what, where, how I cannot even see yet. And if I do rebuild, what then?
If I rebuild embracing Eliza's strong desires, my weak state will not survive her condemnation again the minute something doesn't suit. If I build for myself and Liam, then I am wise enough to know how that can erode a relationship over a period of time to nothing. If I not include Eliza, she would eventually feel dejected and I would feature her less and less in thoughts and life. It happens to couples every day, they just drift apart on separate agendas.
However I rebuild this lost pride, it will not be easy. For there is no certainty of Eliza's stability and the inevitable attacks will come. How I will react at the time, I cannot say with certainty. All I do know is that recently I have considered leaving for no other reason than self-preservation. It became that desperate. But then the choice - Eliza or preservation? Whichever is chosen, I loose. So nothing changes, the same old record plays over and over again.

  2. Illusions, delusions, ghouls, ghosts, witches, psychic attacks, black magic, malignant thoughts. Especially delusion of others intending harm. They all have to go. Permanently and forever. They are unacceptable. Period. They stay in the realms they belong to of fictions and films, they do not destructively materialise into reality.

  Of others still to find resolution to are
Beyond zero tolerance. The caustic overflow from this obsession will soon etch away at everything. It needs moderating to normality. Whatever past experiences created it, those around at the moment do not deserve its retaliation punishment or the intolerable situation it creates.

  In all this I still do not feel any malevolence or badness towards Eliza. I thought I knew what I was letting myself into and felt capable of dealing with such a beautifully wild stallion who harmlessly galloped in and out of fantasy and reality.
But sadly the line between reality and illusion has been gradually thinning for years and more recently disappeared. What Eliza does has not changed, what has changed is the massive force with which it is done. While before 'not norm' was easily allowed for by anyone who knew Eliza well enough. The same not norm now is so powerful its devastating.

  Its like two people in one. Which one do I wake up to tomorrow? That used to be exciting years ago until demons and fantasy started taking over.
Fancy, suddenly awakening to this great urge. This big mission. "Oh that poor girl, down there in her flat trembling with fear that the big bad plantation owner type white man is going to come bursting through her door one night and demand sex with her as his right. I must go and tell it will not happen here. She is safe."
That's the imagination part.
   Where the unacceptable clash comes is the next part where Eliza dashes down the garden on this vital mission and the girl is told in all urgency of this important realisation. The fantasy has now caused a very serious effect in the world of reality and additionally implanted itself as an illusion of the illusion in the other persons head. Never mind poor girl, poor anyone on the receiving end of that!

  While it may be a very short cut to being considered somewhat mad by most people, this sort of manifestation of an illusion can be dramatic beyond imagination. Once an illusion is given form and let loose it has serious repercussions on virtually everything in reality it meets as the two (reality and illusion), just like matter and anti-matter do not co-exist easily in the real world without violent interaction.

  The only thing different between this event and previous ones is that the driving force has become huge and as apparent can be instantly destructive. I use the word destructive as "anything seen by the mass as good which is subsequently destroyed by one person seeing things differently".

  What will be the next illusion that manifests itself into the real world? How long will it exist for? What destruction will it do? Who will it hurt?
What i have seen recently frightens me and I am not easily intimidated, especially being comparatively used to Eliza's not norm ways.
   What glows in the eyes I do not know. Hatred, vengeance, justice its all and none of them. But I do know its strong, its dangerous and unstoppable without extreme force. I have seen it many times though without the present force and even then it shook me. Now, its deadly. I saw it tonight just like hundreds of times but this time the power? It caused me to retreat with great caution and concern. Things are not right. Nothing seems rational anymore. On one side Eliza can have great compassion and patience. On the other, there is a zero tolerance that is destructively extreme.
As stated "There's nothing for anybody here any more"

   Now I must sleep its two in the morning. Somehow writing this is helping to clarify my thoughts.
   What tomorrow may bring I don't know. Right now there is no tomorrow that I wish to face. Its rather empty and sad yet, has the adrenaline of precipitation of what may be. Its a fear that hurts even deeper than the pain of insignificance. Its a fear that Eliza will continue her present direction and the fear of what will happen when I am forced to confront another illusion. For no diplomacy will prevent the instinct of retaliation. If its like tonight, it would be the end and both our lives as we know it would be over. We would loose each other and that frightens me.

  I cant even start to plan a life without Eliza, though some thought deep inside keeps knocking on my door saying "I know. But what if?"

  There is another way to just take a back seat and let it all blow over as I have done before when things started getting too heavy or demanding. A few months of relative peace until some new illusion comes along or some new phase is entered or whatever reason, something doesn't suit anymore. Its back to square one again. Done it before, many times and its not the answer, just a delay of resolving the key issue which is too volatile to approach.

  Maybe tomorrow (later today) the answers will come and be positive. Or maybe the world will end, who knows. I need another cigarette, finish tea and go to bed. I'm bloody depressed. Yes me the great Eduardo, fountain of boundless energy and resources. I'm bone dry, all tanks empty and depressed. I think I will commit suicide, I will take a feather and tickle myself to death. The first crack of humour I've raised in two days, looks promising especially at now three in the morning.
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